


From Now On

by bpdkyloren (Olsies)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Forgiveness, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Redemption, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-20 07:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20224132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olsies/pseuds/bpdkyloren
Summary: Hux got to his feet. “Ren, you really should go to medical. You probably have some sort of renewed injury,” Hux tried again.“Injured. Yes,” Kylo agreed and let one of the lesser officers escort him off the bridge even though he knew there was nothing wrong with him that a good bath and rest wouldn’t cure, for now anyway.“She didn’t go with you because you’re an idiot,” a voice said and Kylo stopped dead in his tracks, all color leaving his face, bile rushing up to the back of his throat. He turned and saw him, saw Luke, older than hours before, but still Luke. Kylo dry heaved and the officer took a step back.“How?” Kylo asked, and Luke shrugged. “Youcan’tbe here!” Kylo clenched his fist. There was no one to force choke now.“I told you, strike me down in anger, and I will be with you always, just like your father,” Luke said.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was very liberal in my usage of the force bond. Sorry, not sorry. I saw an opportunity and I ran with it.

Kylo Ren flinched as the command shuttle docked with the much larger ship. Hux and the others glanced nervously at him out of the corner of her their eyes but said nothing. Closing his eyes, Kylo took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_You can do this,_ he told himself and set off towards the bridge leaving the others to rush after him. People began to cheer when the door opened but stopped when they saw his deathly pale face. Head pounding, he clenched his jaws, started to open his mouth but thought better of it, not quite trusting his voice just yet. While Kylo stood clenching his fists, Hux brushed past him and went to talk to the commanding officer.

“Everything is a go, sir. We expect no obstacles or delays. Those rebel scum have finally backed themselves into a corner even they can’t get out of,” Hux reported a few minutes later. Kylo Ren stood still, staring at the wall.

He cleared his throat and jumped a little when he saw Hux and the others were staring at him, waiting. He was still caked with salt and dirt from Crait, his muscles sore from the fight (or whatever the frick that had been) with Luke. All he wanted to do was crawl in a tub and never get out. He couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone he cared for-that ever cared for him-was either dead by his own hand, or would never speak to him again.

“Rebel scum. Yes. We- we must find them,” he said. The crew men watched him for a moment and then turned to Hux, waiting for orders. They knew he was unhinged, knew that whatever happened between him and the scavenger girl had wrecked him, shook him to his very core. He could feel the eyes darting back towards him when they thought he wasn’t looking. Hours ago they wouldn’t have dared.

“Perhaps you should go to the medical bay, Ren. After sh- after that fight in the Throne Room-” Kylo jumped again and before he knew what he was doing, he force pushed Hux to the floor. The other man lay at his feet, gasping for breath. Kylo let go and closed his eyes, trying to take control of himself. He didn’t need this today.

“Just send out word with anyone we know, and tell them to report back if they see that _stupid_ ship,” Kylo said, turning to leave, wanting nothing more than to be alone.

In his mind, he could still trace _her_, but he didn’t push, didn’t want her to push back. He didn’t want her to see how much she had shaken him.

_Why wouldn’t she come?_ he asked himself for the millionth time in the past hour, and sighed again as he just stood there, staring off into space again.

Hux got to his feet. “Ren, you really should go to medical. You probably have some sort of renewed injury,” Hux tried again.

“Injured. Yes,” Kylo agreed and let one of the lesser officers escort him off the bridge even though he knew there was nothing wrong with him that a good bath and rest wouldn’t cure, for now anyway.

“She didn’t go with you because you’re an idiot,” a voice said and Kylo stopped dead in his tracks, all color leaving his face, bile rushing up to the back of his throat. He turned and saw him, saw Luke, older than hours before, but still Luke. Kylo dry heaved and the officer took a step back.

“Are you alright, Supreme Leader?” The officer asked and Kylo ignored him.

“How?” Kylo asked, and Luke shrugged. “You _can’t_ be here!” Kylo clenched his fist. There was no one to force choke now.

“I told you, strike me down in anger, and I will be with you always, just like your father,” Luke said. Kylo opened his mouth to respond and held open his arms, laughing, as if to ask where this phantom-force-ghost-father of his was. Just as disappointing and neglectful in death as in life, apparently. But then out of the corner of his eye, he saw the very confused looking guard, clearly afraid to speak and invite Kylo’s wrath upon himself.

“No one except you can see me,” Luke explained and Kylo closed his mouth before he could say something else, shaking. Now was _not_ the time to look like he was losing his edge.

“I can make it to the medical bay by myself; you can go.” The officer fled without argument, clearly relieved to not have to be a witness to whatever was happening.

As soon as he was out of sight, Kylo turned to his uncle.

“My _father_ isn’t here,” he snarled. Luke shot him a bored look and then looked down at his hands.

“He may not be a force ghost, but I know you can’t close your eyes without seeing him.” 

Kylo laughed, but it sounded hollow even to his ears.

“You don’t have any idea as to what I see when I close my eyes,” Kylo lied, his heart crashing wildly against his ribs. Every time he closed his eyes, he _did see_ his father’s face as the lightsaber went off. Sometimes Kylo remembered pushing the button, other times he remembered his father doing it. And then he’d fallen. His body was so heavy, and Kylo was so caught off guard, there was nothing he could do but let his body fall. Not far behind those thoughts were softer memories of his family that honestly hurt worse somehow, and darker memories that left him feeling numb.

“I would if you told me,” Luke offered gently, and Kylo huffed. As if Luke cared at all.

“Why don’t you just read my mind again, _master_,” Kylo sneered. Luke looked up from his hands and met Kylo’s eyes.

“I’m no one’s master; not any more.” He paused. “And I won’t look into your thoughts, Ben. Not ever again.”

Kylo waved the last words again. “_She_ doesn’t know you aren’t anyone’s master any more,” Kylo said softly. When they’d touched, in the hut, and then talked later in the force bond, he knew, he saw. “Then again, _she_ thought my father was a good man.”

“Your father _was_ a good man. He wanted nothing more than to bring you home. They could have protected you, but now…” Luke said, shaking his head.

“How good is a man if he can’t even take care of his own child?” Kylo asked and Luke sighed.

“He and your mother sent you to me not to punish or to pawn you off. They wanted to make sure you got the proper training, so you could learn control.”

Chortling, Kylo said, “My father never believed in the force, he was afraid. He was a weak, terrified old man who didn’t want me to turn into my grandfather.”

Luke sighed. “No one could have predicted your path.” Kylo shook his head in disbelief. _Of all the people to say that…_

“I don’t know what you think you will gain by lying,” he said quietly.

“It’s not too late, Ben,” Luke said. “All you have to do is reach out and-”

“Stop it. I don’t want to listen to your lies. You decided my fate years ago, and now even my own mother has lost faith in me,” he yelled. “I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to say I’m sorry, because I’m _not_. The only thing I feel sorry about is the fact that _she_ wouldn’t come with me.” Luke shrugged and Kylo raised his eyebrow. “What?”

“If everything you just said was true, I wouldn’t be here,” Luke said and Kylo narrowed his eyes at him, tensing and flexing on instinct, wishing he could hit his uncle just once, so that for once Luke could feel small and powerless against someone he was supposed to trust.

“We didn’t mean to abandon you, Ben. We didn’t know. If you had just _told us_, we could have done something,” Luke continued, and Kylo bristled.

“Yes, it’s all my fault that you came into my room when I was sixteen and tried to _murder_ me in my sleep.” He paused. “You remain a hero, Luke. How do you think that makes me feel, uncle?” Luke winced. “And don’t call me _Ben_.”

“If I could take that night back, that moment of fear, I would. I would, Ben. I’m sorry. I failed you,” Luke said softly. Kylo’s throat and chest tightened. How many times had he imagined a scene like this. But now it was too late. None of it mattered.

Kylo shook his head roughly and walked right through his uncle, went to the medical bay, and got checked over. The doctor dressed a few wounds and then Kylo retreated back to his quarters. He knew he shouldn’t really leave Hux alone on the bridge just then, but he found he didn’t really care. Nothing mattered.

As soon as his door opened, he realized he had a much bigger problem than just his uncle haunting him. Two more force ghosts sat waiting for him, and they smiled gently when he came in.

“Ben,” one of them said, and Kylo bristled. He looked at the youngish looking man with shoulder length curling brunette hair, dark eyes. He had a long, thin scar over his right eye.

“Ben, meet your grandfather and his dearest friend,” Luke said. Kylo glanced at his uncle silently asking if he was serious, and then looking back to the men before him.

“Grandfather,” he breathed and dropped to his knee, bowing his head without any real thought about what he was doing. Someone above him snickered making Kylo flush, but he didn’t dare look up.

“How is it, Anakin, that you destroy most of the galaxy and get a fan club, whereas I help save it, and I’m barely remembered?” The other man asked.

“Shut up, Ben,” Anakin said, and Kylo twitched. _Ben. Must be Obi-Wan Kenobi, Old Ben, the man he’d been named after. The man responsible for creating Darth Vader and eventually helping bring about his downfall._

“Get up, Ben,” Anakin said, and this time Kylo looked up as if asking if it was him being addressed. “Hi, yes, you, up. All the way.”

Kylo stood, shook some hair out of his eyes as Anakin studied him.

“Are you part wookie, Ben?” He teased, and Kylo blushed again.

“My name is-”

“I know what you call yourself,” Anakin said, all jokes fading as he looked at his grandson. “It’s stupid.” Kylo shifted uncomfortably, face blazing so hot he was sure the others would have felt it if they weren’t already dead. “You say you want to finish what I started, but what I started is finished, it’s over. Where did you even come up with the idea that my- that-” Kylo huffed despite himself.

“You were never mentioned at home, but I felt a connection to Darth Vader for a long time before I found out who he was to me,” Kylo said.

Anakin glanced at Luke and sighed. “Han I get, but you, Luke? You?” Luke shrugged a little.

“Why are you here?” Kylo asked and Anakin smiled softly.

“Because it’s not too late, you can still go back.” Kylo frowned. “All you have to do is take responsibility. I’ve been watching you for a long time, Ben, and I know your loneliness, the isolation you feel. I felt it, too. I know it is hard to reach out, because it is the Jedi way to negate and deny emotion, a tradition which I see has not been abandoned, but all you have to do is reach out.” Kylo stared at his feet.

“My- my mother- she won’t- And Rey-” A lump formed in his throat making it hard to breathe or talk. The name felt so foreign on his tongue, so heavy.

“Your mother will always want you to come home, if you really want to change. And Rey-” Luke said.

“She knows you’re conflicted,” Obi-Wan said.

“Anyone could see that. It is why Snoke got in like he did,” Anakin said. “All you wanted was your father’s love and approval, but he was wrapped up in his own issues and prejudices, leaving you alone.” He shook his head a little.

“Leaving you open to Snoke. If I had known sooner…” Luke said, and Kylo glared up at him.

“You keep saying that, but even if you had known, what would it have changed? How could it have changed anything?”

“We don’t know what would have happened, and I’m really sorry. Truly. I wish that there was some way I could convince you I am sincere,” Luke said, and Ben bristled.

“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, because when you saw what was inside of me, you would have still tried to kill me,” he yelled and started pacing, wishing he could threaten him, make him feel afraid, but how do you threaten a force ghost? “After leaving me alone for months. When you _knew_ something was wrong. And then you just- you-” He turned and put his fist gently against the wall before pulling his arm back and hit the wall as hard as he could. And again. And again. The fourth time, Anakin force stopped him before he could hurt himself further.

“Stop it, Ben,” Anakin said gruffly.

“It helps clear my mind,” Kylo said quietly, his throat tight, pushing back tears.

“All your life, you’ve been trained to ignore your feelings, to push them back. I know because that’s what happened to me,” Anakin said and Obi-Wan scoffed. Anakin gave him a scathing look, but continued, “You don’t know what to do with the feelings you have, you’re just trying to not let them overwhelm you, and by doing that, they take over. So you ignore them, wish you didn’t have them, but feelings mean you’re alive, that you’re human.”

No one said anything for several long moments. Ben couldn’t see straight as his throat tightened a little. He rubbed his cheek quickly as the first tear fell.

“How- how am I supposed to face my mother after I killed _him_?” Kylo asked. Anakin sighed and looked at Luke.

“You apologize. And you accept that she is going to be upset, and is probably not going to forgive you, but remember that she sees the same light in you that Rey sees, that we all see. The same light you fight every day,” Luke said. Kylo looked at his feet and put a hand on his side where Chewie had shot him.

“I have to go,” he said, and got up. He didn’t want to talk any more. He needed to get back on the bridge so they could find the Falcon and-

And suddenly he saw his mother on the Falcon, and realized if he wanted to blow the ship up, he would have to kill her. He paced around the hallway, cursing under his breath.

Time passed, and still he paced. He knew they were still in his room, waiting. And he knew his men were on the bridge waiting for their fearless leader to come back. Kylo didn’t know what to do. _Darth- Anakin. Anakin_, he thought to himself. Anakin was in there with his uncle, and whatever Obi-Wan was to him, waiting for him to make up his mind. As if it was as easy as choosing what to eat for dinner. Rey seemed to think the same way. None of them understood.

He stopped and put his head against the cool wall. He could feel the thrum of the ship, the power there. And then an unbidden thought came to him.

_Anakin understands. He knows what it means to switch from light to dark to light again._

Pulling his head back so he could slam it into the wall, he felt a gentle tug, and Kylo turned. There was no one behind him. He looked down the hall and he _felt_ Rey, but their link was weak just then, and she pulled away almost immediately. Relief flooded his body, because he didn’t want her to see him like this. He took a deep shuddering breath and let it out slowly as he glanced down the hall.

After he took another deep breath, he walked up to the bridge.


	2. Chapter 2

Three days later, Kylo had gotten very little sleep. Between worrying about Hux wanting to oust him, his family constantly trying to talk to him, and his dreams, he was utterly exhausted. His crew walked around on eggshells because no one wanted to invoke his wrath. It seemed anyone who gained his attention anymore got force choked, killed, or both. A few got away when Anakin, Luke, or Obi-Wan distracted him by suddenly appearing and scaring him, but overall everyone gave him a wide berth.

They were no closer to finding the Rebels, not that he was looking for them very hard. Everyday he was thankful that Snoke was dead because he would have known about the bond, known that Kylo could have found Rey whenever he wanted, wherever she happened to be.  
He maintained a bit of a presence on deck, but spent a lot of time in his quarters, and this afternoon was no different. For once Luke, Anakin, and Obi-Wan were not in his room. He tugged out of his shirt, pulled off his boots, and lay on his good side.

He was almost asleep when Obi-Wan cleared his throat. Kylo groaned a little, but didn’t move or open his eyes.

“What do you want?” Kylo asked. He could hear Obi-Wan looking through his things.

“I was wondering if you wanted to hear from someone who watched his best friend and trainee go where you are now,” Obi-Wan said. Groaning more, Kylo rolled onto his back and stretched out.

“You mean you have more to say than you already have? More than the others?” Kylo asked.

Obi-Wan ignored him. “I thought my best friend was lost to the darkside, but I was wrong. In the end, he managed to choose his son over power.”

Rolling back towards the wall, Kylo thought for a moment, and then in a small voice said, “He was a weaker man than I thought.”

Obi-Wan laughed so hard that Kylo had to turn and watch him. Tears streamed down Obi-Wan’s cheeks as he positively howled, doubled over, holding his stomach. Idly, Kylo wondered if force ghosts’ stomachs hurt when they laughed too hard.

“If I ever see your parents-” He shook his head, wiping his tears from his eyes. “Luke would die if he wasn’t already dead.”

Rolling back to the wall, Kylo closed his eyes and pulled his blanket closer around his shoulders. As Obi-Wan continued puttering around, still chuckling now and then to himself, and Kylo let himself relax, but just as he was about to fall asleep again, Obi-Wan leaned close.

“Everyday you wait is another day you are needlessly suffering,” he whispered. Kylo waved his hand to smack Obi-Wan away, but found nothing but air.

“Even if I did want- Even if I had regrets, which I don’t, they would never accept me. I’m a war criminal. They all, understandably, want me dead. So many have died because of me,” he whispered. “And why would I have regrets? I am Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader. I have everything I have ever wanted.”

_And I have never felt so alone,_ he thought to himself

He saw Rey’s face, scrunched with concentration, eyes burning brightly. She was on the Falcon talking plans with his mother. He couldn’t hear them, couldn’t tell if it was real or a dream, but then Rey looked at him, and Kylo felt his heart tighten. For once there was no repulsion or pity in her eyes, just hurt and confusion. And anger. So much hot, burning anger. He wanted to reach out, but she shook her head, no.

_Not yet,_ she said in her mind but he could hear her as if she had spoken aloud. _Not like this._

And then she was gone.

Throwing back the blankets, Kylo got up and started pacing.

“That was a cheap trick,” he said finally, and Obi-Wan shrugged.

“The bond you and Rey share is not something that can be affected by outside forces,” Obi-Wan said.

“But Snoke-”

“-was a liar. He was angry he could not control you in this instance.” He paused. “He knew it was happening, but powerless to stop it. When men like Snoke feel powerless, they would do anything, say anything to regain control.” Kylo bit his lip and sighed, closing his eyes.

“I wish you would just let me sleep,” Kylo said finally. “I can’t think right like this.”

“You mean you can’t keep control. All you have to do is ask for forgiveness, and prove you really want to change your ways,” Obi-Wan said.

“How? Destroy this? Everything I’ve worked towards since I was sixteen?” He paused. “My whole life will have meant nothing then.”

“No, not at all,” Anakin said and Kylo didn’t even blink at the sudden reappearance of his grandfather. He was never far.

“Yes, yes it would. I know of no other life. What would I even do? Settle on some planet with Rey and become some sort of farmer? Raise goats?” He scoffed. “Is that the kind of life you want for me? I don’t know the first thing about farming.”

“If you wanted to do something more, you could train a new set of young Jedi with Rey,” Obi-Wan suggested and Kylo choked out a laugh. Luke and Anakin exchanged glances.

“Who in their right mind would trust me with their younglings?” Kylo asked.

“Who better to help navigate them away from the darkside and learn to balance their emotions?” Anakin asked and Kylo considered this, and shook his head, no.

“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is the people I killed.” _You don’t get a moniker like _ Jedi Killer_ for nothing,_ he thought to himself and Anakin made a face.

“Get some sleep,” Anakin finally said. “We’ll talk about this more in the morning.” Kylo watched them fade away again, and then curled up in his bed. He fell asleep quickly, but kept waking up. All he could see was _her_ and he couldn’t stand it. In one dream she killed him, another she held him so tightly like she was trying to keep him from breaking apart, and the next she was writhing and moaning below him in pleasure.

He finally gave up on sleep when he found himself on the walkway and instead of killing Han, Kylo dropped the lightsaber and his mask before falling to his knees to beg forgiveness. He never saw the blaster, but he heard the gun go off, and felt the sting. He woke up rubbing his shoulder and biting back tears.

“He would never,” he whispered into the darkness. “He never cared that much.” He rubbed his shoulder once more, got up, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and went to his sink. After splashing some cold water on his face, he checked in with Hux on the comm. They’d gotten a tip, someone claimed to have seen the Falcon some days before, and it was a long shot, but Kylo told them to follow up on it because it was their only news.

As he sat to go over some reports, Kylo wondered if, now that he was the Supreme Leader, he should get someone to do this sort of thing for him, but had no idea what he would do with all that spare time.

Just as he was finishing up, he felt a soft tug from _her_.

“Is now a good time for you, Ben?” She asked angrily and he scoffed.

“It’s never a good time, but if you must, then I suppose.” And then she stood in front of him, and he felt his heart skip a beat. He forgot just how much power her mere presence had over him.

“You’ve been quiet,” she said and sat on a nearby chair.

“I’ve been busy,” he replied.

“Anakin told me.” Kylo’s mouth fell open and he closed it quickly. “Although I think you’ve really just been blocking me out.”

“Anakin,” he rolled the name around in his mouth as if he’d never said it before. He shook his head. “You’re the one who’s been blocking me out.” Rey shook her head.

“I thought your decision was made in the Throne Room.”

“Then why are you here?” He snarled.

“Anakin,” Rey repeated. “Anakin asked me to come. I told him it was useless.” Kylo licked his lips and looked down at his reports. “Anakin… He, Obi-Wan, and Luke. They are like you; full of misplaced hope.”

Rey sighed heavily.

“See? Useless.” She started to fade but Kylo called out her name despite himself. “What?” Kylo’s lip quivered, but he couldn’t. “You made your decision. You decided. You don't think your rejection of me in the Red Room had an affect on _me_? That I'm not just as hurt as you? Your pain isn't the only pain that matters, Ben,” she growled and he bit his lip.

“But I can offer you so much more, I can-"

“I don't want what you have to offer,” Rey snapped and Kylo looked down at her feet. He saw red and tried to slam the link closed but she didn't let him.

“How are you so strong?” He whispered and she shook her head, sighing.

“Don’t you see? You’re not alone. Even the dead know you want to choose the light.”

His throat felt tight, and he didn’t trust his voice. _I can’t_, he thought. Rey cocked her head, studying him.

“If you really wanted to find us, you would use the bond,” she pointed out.

“As if you wouldn’t block me,” he scoffed.

“I would, if I thought you were coming to hurt us, I would cut you off.”

“I- I could never hurt you,” Ben said in a small voice. “You mean too much to me.”

“You have a funny way of showing it,” she said and studied him for a moment. “I was blocking you out before, but I won’t any more. I want you to know you have a place to come home to. If you want it.”

“I saw the future you want for me. In the Red Room. It can never happen. I’m sorry.” He turned as if leaving would somehow end the connection and stop the conversation.

“Ben,” she whispered. “Ben, you _can_ do this. You don’t have to be alone.” He turned and was surprised at how close she was.

“You don’t understand,” he said. “You don’t- It’s all-” She put her hand on his shoulder, and he tensed but stopped talking.

“When you’re ready,” she whispered, rested her forehead on his shoulder, and then was gone. Kylo closed his eyes, pushing back the tears with the palms of his hands. He took a few deep breaths, found his lightsaber, and started swinging at the wall, all thought gone. He just kept swinging until he couldn’t feel his arms any more and he slumped in his desk chair, drenched in sweat, muscles twitching.

He dozed and dreamed of Rey with his mother; Rey cooking and cleaning in a small kitchen, grinning at some unknown person; Rey as a mechanic, rebuilding ships from parts she’d scavenged; Rey with a small dark hair child; Rey kissing-

Gasping, Kylo woke up all at once. He got up and tried to calm the pounding in his chest. He didn’t have time for this. He needed to get to the bridge, needed to check their progress.

As he walked down the hall, he tentatively reached out to Rey, but just as she was about to respond, he slammed the link closed, blocking her.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days passed. Kylo kept up the charade as best he could, but his exhaustion was bleeding through. He fell asleep on the bridge more than once. He knew Hux was watching him closely, waiting for the moment to strike. If he wasn’t jerking awake at the thought of yet someone else he once trusted coming at him with a lightsaber while he slept, someone in his family woke him, whether they were encouraging or warning him, he often couldn’t tell. He did his best to not even look in their direction when he was on the bridge. He knew he’d shown too many signs of weakness already.

And Rey. He managed to not think about her (too much) during the day, but he dreamt of her every night, and most of the time he couldn’t tell if what he saw was real or a dream, if she was sending the images, or if he was sharing the images with her, but it didn’t really matter. He didn’t care.

All of it remained outside the realm of possibility for him.

Late one evening, Kylo fell asleep on the bridge, again, but slept restlessly. He found himself on the walkway again, his father on one side, his mother on the other. They sat in silence, and just as he opened his mouth to say something, he heard _her_ voice.

“Wake up, Ben,” Rey whispered and Kylo jerked awake. He started to reach out for her, and then she was gone, but Hux stood in front of him, lightsaber drawn.

“Ren,” he said and turned the saber off. “I-” He started, but Kylo force choked Hux and the other man nearly dropped his lightsaber. He stood up slowly, muscles flexing, slowly releasing his grip on Hux who fell to his knees gasping for breath.

“I know what you were doing, Hux, and frankly, I’m tired of having to look over my shoulder waiting for you to attack.” Kylo grabbed his own lightsaber and lit it. “Let’s get this over with.” Shaking, Hux turned green, but got up and drew his own saber. Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch.

Taking a deep breath, Kylo swung his lightsaber a few times, reveling in its comforting hum as it swished through the air, and Hux scowled as he brought up his lightsaber to meet Kylo’s. They slammed together, and Kylo narrowed his eyes.

_Finally_, Kylo thought. _Finally this can be done._

They moved up and down the bridge quickly. Of course, Kylo was the better swordsman, but Hux put up quite the fight. Everytime it seemed to get close, someone would try and step in, but Kylo would hold his hand up, stopping them. When Hux got close one too many times, Kylo used the force to push him to the floor. Hux gurgled in pain as blood poured from his nose and mouth.

“Get him checked at medical bay to make sure I didn’t break anything important, and then throw him in the brig. When we get to the nearest planet, send him off with some rations,” Kylo said sounding bored. “I’m tired of looking at him.” Everyone stared at him.

“But, sir-” Someone started and Kylo turned to glare. Quickly someone else said, “Yes, sir. Right away, sir.” Several soldiers came and grabbed Hux, pulling him roughly to his feet. He yelped, but Kylo didn’t even turn to watch him leave.

Glancing around, Kylo found his next in command.

“Congratulations, General Ta’em. You’ve been promoted.” The young woman blushed.

“Thank you, sir,” she said.

“We’re on course to Kayra. Let me know when we are close. I’ll be in my chambers.” At first he walked slowly from the bridge, but as soon as he was alone, he broke into a run. Turning down the hall to his room, he didn’t even wait for the automatic locks to open the door, just slammed it open with the force. He ran through the opening and force slammed the doors closed just as hard, the metal bending loudly. Finally he was alone. Shaking, stomach churning, he tried to catch his breath as he walked to the sink and turned the water on, shoving his whole head under the cold, flowing water. Once he was sure he wasn’t going to vomit, he turned off the water and wrung his hair out. He stood slowly and turned.

Luke sat on his bed, leaning forward, watching him silently. Despite himself, Kylo turned and heaved into the sink. Sinking to his knees, he gagged and choked for several minutes before he was able to pull himself together to deal with what was about to happen. After washing his mouth out, and taking several long drinks of water, he turned, and sat on the counter as he trembled, to look at his uncle.

Luke opened his mouth to say something, but Kylo jumped in first. “Don’t,” he said, letting his head fall back onto the mirror with a loud _thunk_.

“I am so, so sorry, Ben.”

Kylo said nothing.

“I should have been there for you, to help guide you, but you- you were so independent, so studious. I didn’t know anything was wrong until it was too late.”

Taking a deep breath, Kylo let it out slowly. “You keep telling me how I _was_, as if it’s some sort of excuse. ‘I should have reached out’ and ‘I was so independent.’ I was a _child_, sent away to-” He screwed up his face as he struggled for the words. “You were supposed to protect me, Uncle Luke, and instead you left me alone.”

“I know. I failed you. You didn’t fail me, I failed you. I should have been there for you,” Luke agreed. Kylo shifted uncomfortably, staring at his feet as he carefully avoided his uncle’s eyes. He was shaking so hard he was worried he would burst into a thousand pieces and die.

“Rey thinks it still isn’t too late,” Kylo said in a small voice.

“I know,” Luke said. “I lashed out in a moment of fear. As soon as I lit the lightsaber, I immediately regretted it. And then you woke up.” He paused. “I’m not proud of what happened, but Rey is right. There is still hope, all you have to do is reach out,” Luke said. “Don’t let your fear rule you.” Kylo swallowed, closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples.

“It’s a shame my biggest fear is waking up, because I could really go for a nap, but not with you here,” Kylo whispered. Luke sighed and when Kylo opened his eyes, his uncle was gone.

Kylo got up, tugged out of his clothes, checked his injuries, and passed out on his bed not even bothering with the covers.

A few hours later, he woke up to Rey laying right beside him. He had a moment of panic as he wrapped a blanket around himself, but when he turned back to her, she was gone. He laid back, and closed his eyes, only to jump a moment later when Rey spoke.

“You ok?” She asked softly, and he turned to look at her. She was hazy, like the connection wasn’t as strong as normal, and he wondered what time it was, if she was sick or should be sleeping, rather than trying to talk to him like this. “I’m fine,” she murmured louder, seeming to have followed his train of thought. She came more into focus, and he reached out to brush some hair behind her ear, shivering when he touched her cheek. She put her arm between them, and he wanted so badly to take her hand, but didn’t dare. He just laid his long fingers on her forearm and stroked her soft skin with his thumb.

“Where are you?” He asked, eyes closed.

“What does it matter?” She asked and he froze. “I’m here with you now, and we _are_ safe.” They lay there in silence and eventually he started stroking her arm again.

“It’s amazing I sleep at all considering how many people have tried to kill me in it,” he whispered.

“What happened with Hux? I saw a vision of him coming after you, and then nothing. I was so afraid.”

“We fought and I sent him to the brig. He should be jettisoned soon on the nearest planet.”

“How did the crew react?” She asked and he told her.

“They did as they were told.” He paused. “I wanted to kill him, to be honest. But I couldn’t. I kept seeing my mother, and thinking about what she would do. Banishment seemed too good for him, but Hux and I- we’ve been through a lot together. It’s not _entirely_ his fault he is the way he is.”

Rey didn’t say anything, just lay next to him, breathing in time with him. Just as he was about to drop off again, he felt a gentle fluttering of lips against his cheek, and when he opened his eyes, he was alone again. With a heavy sigh, he rolled over and went back to sleep.

When he woke up again, his arms were sore and he was starving. He got up, pulled on some clothes, and went out into the hall.

Everyone stopped and stared at him. He glared.

“What?” He asked.

“Forgive us, Supreme Leader,” General Ta’em said. “You’ve been asleep for over eighteen hours. We were beginning to wonder-” Kylo rolled his eyes.

“Just give me a status report.”

“We found the Falcon, and we’re on our way there,” she said. Kylo paled. “Reports say they plan on finishing their fuel up in eighteen hours because they are waiting on some supplies. We will be there within a few hours.”

“I see. Excellent,” he said and turned back to his door. “Have someone bring me some food, and then leave me in peace. I need to prepare myself for battle.” The woman nodded and walked away. Kylo went back into his room and waited for the food.

He knew he should reach out to Rey immediately, but he didn’t know how to tell her what happened without her thinking he sold her out. Besides, it had been too many hours since he last ate, and this was not something one should do on an empty stomach. Someone brought him food, and he ate it without even tasting it.

After he finished, he got up and went to his window before gently tugging at the mental string.

“Mmm, Ben? ‘S late,” Rey slurred and Kylo took a deep breath.

“I know, and I’m sorry. But you need to wake up, Rey. You need to leave, you’re not safe, none of you are.”

“Not safe?” She whispered. “Of course I’m safe. I’m with the whole Rebellion. Many people protecting each other.” She was starting to fade. Kylo reached out and brushed some hair from her face.

“My troops know where you are.”

Her panic flooded all of his senses, and he stumbled back.

“How?!” She demanded, getting up and changing her clothes, not even bothering to try and cover anything uncovered.

“I don’t know. I have apparently been asleep for about eighteen hours, which seems so unlikely. I don’t know why my family would let me sleep so long, especially if you and my mother were in danger.” He paused and glanced at his empty plate.

“Where should we go? When will you be here?” She asked. He could hear her shouting in real life for people to get their things together so they could get whatever supplies they could and leave as soon as possible.

“I don’t know. We will be there sometime soon, though. Please, you have to hurry.”

_It’s ok, Ben, we’re moving. Do you know how your troops found out?_ She thought and he frowned.

“No, I’m sorry, if I find out though-”

“Thanks. Talk later,” she said, and was gone. He stared at the spot she’d been, took a deep breath, and stripped out of his clothes again so he could shower quickly before heading up to the bridge. Everyone turned to stare as he took his place.

“How much longer?” He asked easing the line to Rey open, but saying nothing.

“Approximately two hours,” General Ta’em said.

“How did we find them?” Kylo asked. Everyone looked at him, and then away.

“The bartender at Tare. She recognized one of the crew and reported it a few hours ago.” The computer beeped. “Incoming message.” The holoscreen filled up and a young woman Kylo half recognized was talking quickly.

“Supreme Leader, we don’t know why, but they’re pulling out early, the Rebels. There have been no incoming or outgoing transmissions. What do you want us to do?” She asked and everyone looked a Kylo.

_Are you almost gone?_ Kylo asked Rey.

_Just about. We’ll have to stop sooner than we planned, but we should be ok for a bit,_ Rey replied.

Grinding his foot on the ground, Kylo nodded.

“Your orders, Supreme Leader?” General Ta’em asked. Kylo didn’t look at her, just followed Rey’s movements in his mind, debating on something.

_Stay,_ he whispered.

_What?_

_Please._

_I can’t,_ Rey said and Kylo’s heart fell. She saw his face, and shook her head. _ If I stay, I won’t be able to find them again. I can tell you where we end up though, and I’ll get away when I can._

_Ok,_ he said, waited for them to leave, and then he closed the link.

“Supreme Leader?” General Ta’em asked. “Shall we have her go down and-”

“Of course I want you to go and stop the blasted ship! Are you really this stupid naturally or are you trying to make me angry?” Kylo shouted and everyone started moving.

The next few hours went by agonizingly slow. Rey remained silent, and Kylo paced around the ship. When they landed, the Falcon was literally light years away. Some troops went down to try and find out if anyone knew where they were going, but Kylo knew they wouldn’t. He kept pacing anyway, too nervous to even be tired. Luke, Anakin, and Obi-Wan watched him from a distance, none of them saying anything.

“Sir, the troops are on their way back. They found no sign of the rebels’ current whereabouts. Where should we go next?” General Ta’em said eventually and Kylo took a deep breath.

“Send word out to all of our allies, tell them to keep an eye out for that ship. Since we interrupted their supply run, they will have to stop sooner than they wanted to. They will have to turn up somewhere,” Kylo said. He waited while they sent out a message, and then looked at his family.

“Shall we inform you when we have news, sir?” General Ta’em asked.

“Yes. Until then just keep us in stealth mode, and let me know if there are any disturbances. I’ll be in my chambers.” He turned on his heel and left without looking back at them.

Pausing outside his door, Kylo took a deep breath, and wished that when he opened the door, his family wouldn’t be waiting for him.

But of course they were.

“She’s safe,” Luke said. “There is no way anyone is going to see them for a while, but you need to be careful when you go to meet her.”

“How are you planning on leaving?” Obi-Wan asked. Kylo went to his window.

“I don’t know, it depends on where she ends up.” Anakin nodded and sat on Kylo’s bed. Kylo looked out his window and took a deep breath.

“All we can do now is wait,” Anakin said. Everyone fell silent. The older men watched as Kylo pressed his forehead to the window, not daring to reach out to _her_, but want gnawed at him as he waited for news.


	4. Chapter 4

For weeks, the First Order had no news of the Rebels. Rey periodically checked in with Kylo, but their moments together were fleeting, neither of them having much alone time. Mostly she would tell him where they were so he could send the First Order somewhere else. He pretended he had contact with people he didn’t so that it didn’t seem like they were wandering endlessly, but really he had no idea what he was doing except keeping them as far from the Rebels as he dared.

At night, Kylo slept horribly, because now he kept seeing them captured, seeing them abused and tortured. He didn't know what he would do if something happened to them. He would often wake shaking in a cold sweat, sheets drenched. Nothing seemed to help. Sometimes he would gently reach out to Rey just to feel her presence, to make sure she was still there and alright.

Luke stayed away for a while, but Obi-Wan and Anakin stayed close by. For the most part they let him be, but every once in a while one of them would offer a kind word, which Kylo ignored. 

The morning it all fell apart started like so many others. Kylo got up, washed his face, ate a small breakfast alone in his quarters, checked in with Rey, and then went out to the bridge. Since Hux had left, his crew listened and responded much faster than they had before. Kylo knew they weren’t any more loyal, but rather didn’t want to experience the same fate. When he came out of his room with news from different allies across the galaxies, no one really questioned him as he requested all transmissions be sent directly to his quarters and often the crew would have no idea who he was talking to.

Kylo started to give them coordinates for the new rumored area that the Falcon was supposed to be, and just as he was about to retreat to his quarters, an urgent incoming transmission came through.

“Put it through here,” Kylo said and an officer put the com screen up. It was Quin Ceryss, the man he’d just claimed had given them coordinates. Kylo took a deep breath, trying to ignore his trembling lip.

“Supreme Leader, I have the Falcon in my sights,” Quin said. Before Kylo could respond, Quin started to give out coordinates, and everyone on the bridge started talking at once. Anakin and Obi-Wan stood in the corner, arms crossed over their chests, frowning. 

“Enough! Clearly, someone has hacked our communications, and I’ve been sent on a wild porg chase. Get on with it,” he yelled. Quin looked down at him, confused. “There was a transmission this morning, supposedly from you, telling us the Falcon was nowhere near where you are now,” Kylo explained. “We’re on our way. Keep them in your sights and you’ll be well rewarded. Lose them, and you’ll pay with your life.” He turned off the com link and walked off in a flurry of his cape. Immediately he tugged on the bond.

_You ok, Ben?_ Rey asked, and he flinched a little. He didn’t know if he would ever get used to being called ‘Ben’ again.

_They figured out I’ve been feeding them false information, it’s only a matter-_ He trailed off as he approached his room and saw several soldiers, Captain Phasma included, waiting for him. They parted at his approach revealing a red haired man behind them.

_Ben?_ Rey asked but Kylo just sent her a hushed,_ in a minute_.

“Hux, what are you doing here?” Kylo snarled and Hux turned, with a sneer.

“_Ah, Supreme Leader._ So good of you to join us,” Hux drawled. Captain Phasma held out some cuffs.

“How did you get here?” Kylo growled, and then Hux began to laugh, and Kylo realized he’d never gone, that his men had never followed his orders, and Hux had been there the whole time.

_I’m in trouble. I’ll contact you when I can,_ he said and slammed the link shut. He pulled out his lightsaber, nodding.

“If you want to take me, you’ll have to fight me,” Kylo hissed. Laughing, Hux snapped his fingers and the Stormtroopers came at him. It was an ugly, dirty fight. Kylo wasn’t at his full strength, thanks to not having slept properly for months, and from trying so hard to keep the bond closed. He didn’t want Rey to experience any of this, didn’t think it would be fair, nor was it anything she needed to see. The troops overtook him easily as Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Luke watched in horror. The troops shoved him to the ground, took his saber, and knelt on him, tugging his arms as they looked up at Hux, waiting for his orders.

“Up,” Hux said and they tugged Kylo up. Someone had hit him, and his left eye was starting to swell shut, his lip fat and bleeding. “You think you’re so much better than me, but you’re nothing. I _know_ you’re communicating with that gutter trash, I just don’t know how. Or why. If you wanted sex, there are-” Kylo spit at Hux’s feet, blood and saliva mixing on his boot. Hux sneared, but his triumphant smirk changed quickly as Kylo began to force choke him. Captain Phasma smacked him on the back of his head with a blaster, knocking him out cold.

When he came to, he was laying in the dark on a cold, hard pallet. He knew he was in the brig even if he couldn’t see anything. Bile rose in his throat and he leaned over the edge, retching onto the floor, too tired and sore to find a toilet or sink. He didn’t even know if one was anywhere nearby. Groaning, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

“You look like shit,” Anakin said.

“Still better than you,” Kylo wheezed. He took a slow, deep breath trying to ignore the stabbing pain in one of his ribs.

_Ben? Are you awake? Where are you?_ Rey asked, and despite himself he sent her what little he’d seen and just how much his body was hurting. _What happened?_

_Where are you? Why can’t I sense my mother?_ Kylo asked, ignoring her.

_I’m coming to get you,_ she said simply, and Kylo felt his heart lurch. 

_What?! No! Go back! It’s not safe!_

_It’s clearly not safe for you either! I’m coming, and you can’t talk me out of it,_ she said simply. Kylo was too tired to argue, so he just lay there taking in slow breaths. He could feel Rey creeping around in his head, sending him soft thoughts, until she imagined them in a brighter, warmer room, laying on a bed. She helped him curl up under a thick, soft blanket, and she lay next to him, humming a wordless tune under her breath as she played with his hair. All he wanted was for this to be real, and so he found he couldn’t bring himself to make her stop. When he started crying, Rey pulled him into her arms and let him.

Waking up alone in the dark was cruel. The aches she'd managed to block from his mind came back in earnest, and his mouth tasted like some animal had shit in it. He looked towards the door and saw a cup and some bread on a tray. He used the force and brought them to him. He drank the little bit of liquid with shaking hands.

He sat up slowly and rubbed his face, avoiding the tender areas and grimacing at the crusted blood.

“You should eat, too,” Anakin said. “You've been asleep for too long.” Kylo picked up the bread and laughed hollowly as he banged it on the pallet.

“It’s as hard as a rock, no way I can eat it,” he said and took a slow, deep breath.

“Someone’s coming,” Luke said from the hall. Kylo threw the bread, finished the water, and took a deep breath. He knew it wasn’t Hux coming towards him, now, but rather some lower soldier, but that didn’t mean he wanted Hux to know how bad he hurt. The Stormtrooper came around the corner, and looked in at him.

“Supreme Leader Hux, the prisoner is awake.” He said into his telecommunicator before he paused and listened.

Kylo watched him, trying to decide what plan to take. He was too weak for a frontal assault, but maybe…

_How close are you?_ Kylo asked Rey.

_Not far, maybe a couple of hours._

_They are taking me before Hux. I need to get out now._

_I’m coming. I’ll be there as soon as I can,_ she said. _Be careful, Ben._

_I’ll let you know when I get away,_ he said and looked back at the soldier.

The Stormtrooper glanced at him, but then said, “We’re on our way.” He opened the door and came in, grabbing Kylo roughly by the hair. “One false move, and you’re dead.”

“_You will release me, and help me find an escape pod_,” Kylo growled and the soldier laughed.

“Why would I do that?” He asked and started towards the door. Kylo reached up and grabbed his hand.

“You _will_ release me, and help me find an escape pod,” Kylo repeated and the soldier stopped for a moment and then slowly released Kylo’s hair. Hissing, Kylo got up slowly. “Take me to an escape pod,” he said, and they walked down the hall.

Finding an escape pod wasn’t really the issue, the issue was avoiding literally everyone else so he could get to safety.

“You guys go ahead and tell me when someone is coming,” Kylo said to Obi-Wan, Luke, and Anakin. They went ahead without a word. Everytime one of them would see a guard, they would send back a word of warning, and Kylo would use the force to convince them they saw nothing but a lone Stormtrooper walking about their business. It didn’t take long for them to get to the escape pods. Kylo jumped in one, checking the emergency rations and medical supplies.

Once satisfied, Kylo turned back towards the soldier and said, “Forget and sleep.” He fell with a thud. Just as Kylo hit launch, an alarm started. They’d realized he was missing. He buckled himself in with trembling hands, and hoped that since everyone would be looking for him _on_ the ship, they wouldn’t see the little shuttle leaving.

But as soon as he started the launch sequence and parted from the main ship, a rebel ship showed up, and all hell broke loose.

_I thought you said you were a couple of hours away,_ Kylo growled as he threw himself on the seat and strapped himself in.

_Slight change of plans. I _am_ a few hours away, but apparently Finn, Poe, and Rose were following me, and they have a ship that can do lightspeed faster than my ship, so I sent them on ahead to grab you._ Kylo’s heart lurched.

_What happened?!_ He yelled.

_Just trust me! They are your only hope._

Kylo looked out the window and watched the Rebel ship approaching him. He didn’t have any controls on the ship, really, but with the force he could have gotten away. But then the Supremacy had turned on him and were attacking them both.

“You have to trust them, if you want to live,” Luke said, and Anakin nodded. Kylo grimaced.

_Tell them to lock on,_ he said and closed his eyes as he leaned back and gave up what little control he had left.

And just like that, his ship docked with the Rebel ship, and they were gone. Kylo didn’t move until Poe opened the door. He stormed in, his anger rolling off him in hot waves, and then he saw Kylo, and stopped.


	5. Chapter 5

“What the fuck?” Poe breathed, and Kylo tried to imagine what he looked like with his matted hair, torn clothing, and covered in blood and filth. FN-2187 and a woman he recognized from the salt planet came bursting in, breathing hard.

“Poe! Don’t!” The woman yelled, and FN-2187 looked at Kylo and stopped midstep.

“She wasn’t lying,” FN-2187 said. “You defected.”

“More like defecated,” Poe said under his breath and Kylo made a face.

“You’ve been in enough brigs, I’m sure, to know that the amenities are terrible, to say the least,” Kylo said. He still hadn’t moved, wasn’t even sure that he could get up. The woman pushed past the two men, and cautiously walked towards Kylo, as if he were a feral animal about to attack at any moment.

“Hi,” she said, swallowing. “Hi, I’m Rose. You’re Kylo Ren.” Kylo nodded as she sat on the bench next to him. “You look pretty beat up. Are there medical supplies in here? We have some, but since most of our ships-”

“Yes, there are some just there,” he said and opened a drawer with the force.

“Whoa,” Rose said, and nodded. She went and looked through it. “Will one of you help him? We need to get him cleaned up before those wounds get infected.” Poe and FN-2187 looked at eachother.

“I don’t need help,” Kylo said as he unbuckled himself, stood, and promptly crumpled in a heap. Rose glared at FN-2187 and Poe. Finally FN-2187 came over and crouched near Kylo.

“Are you sure?” He asked, and Kylo, eyes closed, took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“FN-”

“Finn! His name is Finn!” Poe said and pulled Kylo roughly to his feet making Kylo hiss in pain. “His name is Finn, and yours is Ben. Now let’s get you to our medical bay and get this stench off of you before your girlfriend gets here and dumps you because you smell like garbage.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Kylo growled but let himself be steered towards the medical bay as FN- Finn. Finn. As Finn and Rose followed close behind. There was a slight argument over who was going to help bathe him, when Rose finally just kicked the other men out.

“Sorry about that,” she said as she leaned against the door. “I would like to say they are normally better behaved than that, but…”

“It’s alright,” Kylo said. “It’s not every day your enemy is sitting in your medical bay, smelling like shit, and waiting for one of your best friends to show up because she invited you. I can’t relate, but…” Rose chuckled.

“They never said you were funny,” she said as she came over to him and set the supplies down.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny,” he said, but let it go. Rose started going through the supplies and turned towards him after she pulled out some things.

“First, a bath.” She started towards him and stopped. “Do- do you need help?” She asked and Kylo bit his lip. Never in his wildest dreams did he think this would be something he would have to endure.

“Yes,” he whispered. She helped him get up and over to the bath. While he very slowly undressed, she started the tub. He half wished either Poe or Finn would have stayed; they at least knew what war did to a body, but he didn't know the first thing about this young woman before him. He’d managed to strip to his waist before she turned, and he watched her face, waiting for the pity or disgust that never came.

“Well are you getting in the bath like that or what?” She asked, hands on her hips, and Kylo _almost_ smiled.

“I need your help with my boots,” he said in a small, defeated voice.

“Oh!” She said and knelt to help him ease out of them, and to take off his socks.

Staring down at his now naked feet, because he couldn't stand to look at her when he admitted, “I don't think I can get out of my pants by myself.” He waited for the laughter or pitying tone, but when neither happened, he glanced up but he couldn't quite read her face. For a moment he thought about reading her mind, but pushed the thought away quickly.

“I have helped a lot of men much worse off than you. If you think there is something under your trousers that I haven't seen, think again,” she said in a matter of fact tone. Blushing, he pulled himself up and undid his pants. Getting them off proved more difficult than either of them imagined. His legs had some deep cuts, and the blood had crusted making his pants stick to the wounds. Despite himself, he cried out in pain more than once; tears flowed freely down his cheeks. Both of them were sweating when she finally helped him in the bath. They had to change the water three times before the water ran clear and Rose let him get out of the tub. The bath helped his aching muscles and bones incredibly, but now he could see how bad it was.

Rose never made a comment or face though, just helped him with strong steady hands. She helped him into clean pants and a loose shirt. He tried to not think about who they belonged to, and just be thankful he didn't have to stare at the bruises and cuts any longer.

After cleaning him up, Rose helped him back to the main cabin and laid him out on a bed. After drinking some water and eating a little broth, he slept.

***

“You were always weak, boy,” Snoke drawled and Kylo’s blood ran cold.

“You- you can’t! You're dead!” Kylo huffed out. He was back in the Throne Room, and Snoke sat before him on the throne, laughing.

“You thought you had the power to defeat me?!” Snoke zapped him and Kylo shrieked in pain. “You could never defeat me!”

Panting, Kylo got up. “But I did! I cut you in half and you never saw it coming! You are nothing! Nothing! You have no power over me any more!”

Snoke laughed again. “You don't get it, boy. It doesn't matter what you do or where you go, I will _always be with you_. Just like your wretched uncle.” Kylo shook his head, laughing.

“You are nothing! Nothing!”

Snoke zapped him again and Kylo woke screaming. It took him a moment to realize the ship was rocking and objects flying everywhere.

“Get it together, Ben, before you blow the ship apart!” Poe yelled from across the room and Kylo realized what was happening. He closed his eyes, took a few breaths, and the ship calmed. “Everyone ok?” Poe asked and several voices responded in unison.

Rey jumped over some clutter and rushed to Kylo’s side.

“Are you alright?” She asked and put her hand on his cheek. He leaned into it despite the pain, because this. This was real.

“No,” he whispered.

“Are you hungry?” She asked, and he nodded yes. Jumping up, she rushed to a pile to get him some food.

“I need to pee first,” he said as she came back towards him. He got up easier than the day before, but accepted her help without argument.

After he peed, she helped him back to the bed. He laid down, completely drained. Rey patted his hand and then went to Rose, whispering something he couldn't quite catch while she got him some water and food. He drank some water, ate the bread, and then finished the water as Rey sat close to him on a chair she pulled up. They were away from the others, although he was sure they could still hear them.

_Why are you so quiet?_ He asked, and she frowned at him a little.

“I just don't know what to say, what to ask,” she said pulling her knees up close to her chest, hugging herself.

“You can ask me anything,” he said, also frowning.

“What happened? All I know is you were scared and hurt. For several hours I thought you were dead because I couldn't reach you, and I can always reach you, even in your sleep,” she said. Kylo paled a little wondering what she had seen.

“It was Hux. Ever since Crait, I haven't slept well. Luke, my grandfather, and Obi-Wan have been yelling at me for not going with you since I last saw you. They couldn't understand,” he said looking down at his hands, trying to not think about the bruises just a little higher up.

“You're safe now, Ben,” Rey said and touched his shoulder. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. _This is real,_ he told himself again, although he wished he could touch her, hold her, even for a moment.

“After Hux tried to attack me on the bridge, I told them to send him off, but it was too late. He had enough followers, they didn't listen. He stayed aboard the ship in hiding until…” He paused trying to figure out how much time had gone by.

“It's been four days,” she said and Kylo looked up at her in surprise.

“I can’t decide if I want to say ‘that’s all’ or ‘has it been that long,’” he said, and Rey squeezed his hand. He cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes. “Four days ago, I said we got some sort of transmission, and then my source popped up and all hell broke loose. They realized I was sending them the wrong way, and that’s, I guess, what prompted Hux to reappear. The stormtroopers, they attacked, and I fought, but there were too many of them, and I was trying so hard to keep you out I could barely use any force in the fight.” Rey made a face.

“Why? Why would you do that?” She asked and he shook his head.

“You didn’t need to experience that,” he explained and she took a deep breath and let it out. “They knocked me out, and I passed in and out of consciousness. I didn’t even figure out why they kept me alive, although I’m sure it has something to do with finding you all. He knows I was communicating with you, even if he didn’t know how or why.”

“You don’t think this is some sort of trap, do you?” She asked. Kylo licked his lips.

“I honestly don’t know. We- they. They can’t track you through lightspeed any more, so if it is, I don’t know what they think they are going to accomplish.” Rey looked towards the others and back at Kylo.

“Does your family have any idea?” She asked, and Kylo opened his mouth to speak, but Luke interrupted him.

“We aren’t sure what Hux is playing at, all we know for sure is that for right now this ship is safe, but for how long, hard to tell,” he said.

“What about the Falcon?” Rey asked, and Kylo closed his eyes, he was so tired.

“They’re safe for now,” he said. “You two should get some rest while you can.” Rey squeezed Kylo’s arm. When he opened his eyes, Luke was gone. Rey started to get up, presumably to let him get his rest, but he grabbed her arm.

_Stay with me?_ He asked. She looked over her shoulder at the others. Rose and Finn were sleeping in one of the other bunks while Poe sat in the pilot’s chair talking quietly to the orange BB unit that seemed to be more a pet than anything. She pulled her arm free and sat down.

“Scoot over,” she said as she tugged out of her boots. The bed was fairly narrow, but she fit next to him comfortably, curled up against his side, head on his shoulder. Taking a deep breath, she slid her hand up on his chest, and he put his hand over hers. They fell asleep quickly, both emotionally and physically exhausted.


	6. Chapter 6

It took them three days to get back to the Falcon. With Poe’s larger ship, they were able to travel faster than in Rey’s little ship she’d managed to snag from the base they’d found, but with the limited supplies they had, they didn’t dare leave it behind. On top of that, they had to keep changing course, just in case the First Order was following them.

They got to the new base on Lioni and landed without much issue, but as soon as Rey got off the ship, Finn and Rose exchanged glances as Poe pulled out some handcuffs. Kylo’s heart skipped a beat and bile rose up in the back of his throat, choking him a little. 

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Poe said, “if you thought we came with Rey just to rescue you, but you have to understand. We’re soldiers, you’re a war criminal, and-”

“Are you serious?” Rey shrieked as she came back on the ship. She grabbed her staff and started towards Poe, but Kylo stopped her gently with the force. Finn and Rose shared a glance, but said nothing.

“I’ll come quietly,” he said. “I know I am responsible for countless deaths, have committed heinous acts, and I deserve whatever punishment may come.”

“You’re not a prisoner!” Rey yelled. “You’re a person seeking asylum, you’re-”

“A bad, bad man, Rey,” Kylo interjected. “Back in the Throne Room, you stood there, and you asked me to save the fleet, to come with you, because you thought if you could change my mind, if you could save me, then the others would believe that I was good, but I need to take responsibility for what I’ve done.” He held his hands out in front of him and Poe studied his face.

“You’re serious, Ben?” Poe asked.

Kylo made a face. “Why do you keep calling me that?” Poe put the cuffs on Kylo’s wrists and studied his face.

“Later,” he said and they started to leave. Rey stood in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest.

“He’s coming quietly, are the cuffs really necessary?” She asked, tears in her eyes.

“It’s fine, Rey, really,” Kylo said and Rey ran from the ship. Kylo looked at Poe who took his elbow, leading him forward. Word had been sent ahead that Kylo Ren was with them, and they were quickly surrounded by soldiers with guns. In the distance, Kylo could see his mother talking to Rey who was yelling and pointing at them. He wished there was something he could say to her, to convince her that this was fine, but knew Rey was even more stubborn than he was.

“I’m proud of you,” Anakin said in Kylo’s ear.

_What are they going to do to me?_ He asked.

“I don’t know, but we’re right behind you,” Anakin said, and Kylo glanced over his shoulder to look at the three of them and then back at Rey. She rushed back to him, plowing through the crowd.

“If you’re going to insist on this charade,” she growled at Poe, “I’m going to be the one to take him in.” They fell silent, and walked quietly into the base. Leia watched them, but Kylo couldn’t read her face. Rey led him to a plain room and took the cuffs off. “Your mother said that she and a council would discuss some things, and then there will be a trial in a few days.” She paused. “She wants to see you first, but she wasn’t close enough to see-” She reached out to touch his face but stopped herself, hand hanging in the air between them. Kylo raised his hand and slid his fingers into hers.

“Are you going to warn her?” He asked.

“I don’t know what to say,” she said. “I didn’t even tell her why I was leaving.” He watched her for a moment, wondering what it would be like to step forward into her space and-

“You never told me how Poe and them found out about your rescue mission,” Kylo said instead.

“Oh! Finn decided to follow me, and Poe and Rose wouldn’t let him go alone, and then I sent them to you, told them where you were and that you needed help. They didn’t really understand the last part, I think. They just knew where you were and that you-” She sighed. “I led them right to you. Whatever happens, it’s my fault.” He could hear the emotion threatening to choke her, see the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.

“No, Rey, it’s not,” he said and just as he was about to take that step forward, Luke showed up.

“Your mother is coming,” he said. Kylo and Rey dropped hands and quickly moved away from each other just as Leia opened the door.

The General stood there, door open, wind blowing in, and just stared at her son. A lot of emotions ran across her face, but Kylo just looked at her, and then he got down on his knees, staring at the ground.

“Leia,” Rey breathed and stepped closer to Kylo. He could sense her just to his right; if he reached back, he could touch her, but he didn’t.

“Ben,” Leia said, finally coming in and closing the door.

Kylo opened his mouth, and then closed it. He didn’t know what to say. How could he apologize for all the things that he’d done, that he’d been a part of?

“At least you all are keeping up with the Skywalker tradition of not talking,” Anakin said as he appeared from behind Leia. She jumped, grabbing her blaster to shoot. “It won’t do any good, Leia.”

“Who the hell are you?” Leia asked.

“Your father,” Anakin said and Leia started laughing.

“Of course you would be in on this,” she said putting her blaster back. She took a deep breath and walked over to her son. “Look at me,” she said and he looked up, heart thudding in his chest.

“Leia,” Luke said and Leia looked up at her brother, shocked.

“Luke, what are you doing here?” She asked.

“The same thing Anakin and Obi-Wan are. We’re here because there is still hope, there is still good in your son,” Luke said. Leia looked around and saw Obi-Wan not far off before looking back down at her son. “Let him talk.”

Leia looked down at her son, and waited for a reply. Rey started to talk, but Leia cut her off. “No, not you. Him. Tell me everything.” She crossed her arms over her chest, and so he told her everything from the time he left home to train with Luke all the way up to that day.

Leia let him talk, didn’t interrupt although she did glance at her brother sharply when Kylo got to the point where Luke attacked him. By the time he got to the Throne Room, his knees were really aching, and his throat was dry. Leia looked up at Rey as he described how they fought back to back until they fought over the lightsaber.

“The lightsaber flew apart,” he said. “I got knocked unconscious, but she left me there, alive. I didn’t wake up until Hux tried to attack me, and then I came after you like I had nothing to lose, because I didn’t. She was out of reach, and I thought there would be no way you would ever forgive me. And I know that most likely you still won’t, but that’s something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life, however long that is.” Leia made a face, but let him continue as he told her about everything that happened after Crait, about how he felt so much more alone than he ever had in his life. He talked about how when all the force ghosts showed up, how he stopped sleeping, barely ate, and completely missed Hux’s mutiny.

“I kept telling them that you were all somewhere you weren’t, and it worked for a while until I used a source that gave us actual news, and then Hux came out of hiding. He and the others-” He lifted his hand to his face, gently touching one of the barely healed bruises. “And they put me in the brig. I was unconscious for most of the time, and when I wasn’t, I was in pain. They were taking me out of the brig for the first time when I broke free, and that’s when Poe and them came and got me, and here we are.”

Leia studied him for a moment and then held out her hand. “Get up, your knees must be killing you,” she said. “Rey, get us something to drink.” He took her hand and let her help him up. They went and sat on a bench while Rey got drinks.

“There’s a few things I don’t understand, and some I know I’ll never understand, but the thing that is bothering me the most is, if you were in the brig, how were you and Rey communicating after Snoke? How did she know you were in trouble? Didn’t you say he said he created it to trap her?” Leia asked. Rey handed them both cups, and took a long drink of her water.

“Snoke was, and has always been, a liar,” Ben said simply, and took a drink. The tepid water felt great on his throat.

Leia looked up at her brother. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this was going on?”

Luke flapped his arms at her. “When was I supposed to tell you? Between fighting him and saving your ass-”

“Really, Luke, if you had just _told_ me what happened that night, so many things could have been different. But no, no you pull a dick move and you just bugger off. When you found out my son was being pulled to the dark, you try to kill him instead of reaching out to him?” She shouted. “That’s not like you, that’s not like you at all.” Luke flushed.

“I know, a thousand times I know. And there has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t felt shame for that moment. That one moment changed the course of history, and I’m sorry.”

Raising her hand to her face, Leia took a deep breath.

“I honestly don’t know what to say, Luke.” She looked back at Kylo. “I’m so sorry you felt so alone, that we let you feel this way. Despite everything, I’m glad you’re home. You’re still going to have to face trial, but at least I know what happened. At least we get closure,” she said, got up, kissed his forehead and went to the door. “You have five more minutes, Rey, and then Ben is going to be on lockdown. You are free to use your- your link all you want, though. I don’t care if Luke doesn’t approve.” She left quietly.

Rey and Ben looked at each other for a few moments, and then his lip trembled and he let his head drop as his whole body shook with sobs. Rey went to him and pulled him close, stroking the back of his neck and hair.

“You were so brave, you did so good,” she whispered, her voice tight. He pushed himself into her, spilling his water all over them, but neither of them did anything about it. Rey kissed his hair, and kept whispering words of comfort until the sobs subsided and he sat up and leaned his head on her shoulder. She took his hand and laced her fingers through his. He looked at their hands and sighed.

“Are you hungry? I can make sure you get some proper food,” Rey said.

_Maybe in a bit,_ Ben said quietly as he leaned into her. He didn’t want to give her up.

“Don’t worry, you won’t be alone tonight,” she promised him, and he just nodded. A few minutes later, Poe came in and shouted in surprise when he saw Rey curled up with Kylo, but didn’t say anything else. Kylo sat up quickly, head spinning.

“Make sure he gets a proper meal tonight!” Kylo heard her yell at Poe. “Proper! None of this ‘prisoner rations’ or whatever you planned on giving him. He’s still…” Her voice trailed off as they left and Kylo took the blanket off the back of the bench and pulled it around himself.

Rey came back in a few minutes later with a thicker blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders.

“The Council wants to meet with you first thing in the morning,” she said. He nodded, shaking a little. “You’ll have to tell your story again. I’m going to be right there next to you, you don’t have to go through this alone.” She glanced at the door and back at him. “I don’t have much time.”

“You promise you’ll be there tomorrow?” He asked finally, and she kissed his forehead.

“Of course,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t make you go through that alone. I’m sorry, but I have to go. Poe is coming.” She kissed his cheek and rushed out the door. Moments later, Poe came in carrying two plates.

“Here, proper food, just like Rey told me to get for you,” Poe said and held out a plate. Kylo took it and watched as Poe sat down across the room from him to eat.

“What are you doing?” Kylo asked.

“Eating,” Poe said and shoved some food in his mouth. “Rey wanted me to make sure you ate, so I’m making sure.” Kylo watched him for a few minutes before tucking in himself. Just some sort of basic stew, but it was wonderful compared to some of the things he’d eaten lately. He snorted at the thought of the bread back on the Supremacy and Finn’s burnt eggs. Poe looked up.

“What’s so funny?” Poe asked.

“Oh, nothing, it’s not really funny,” Ben said. Poe continued to watch him.

“That’s probably the first time you laughed in like ever, and it’s not _that_ funny?” Poe asked. Ben shrugged.

“Just, I was thinking this stew isn’t half bad compared to some food I’ve eaten lately, namely Finn’s eggs, and some ‘bread’ they gave me in the brig. Swear it was harder than a rock,” Ben said and Poe smirked.

“You’re right, it’s not that funny,” he said and they laughed gently. They ate in silence for a few more minutes. Ben studied him, there was something so familiar about him, and the fact that he was calling him ‘Ben’ was really disconcerting. And then he had a thought.

“You were the boy, weren’t you?” Ben asked. “The boy at the summer house on Chandrila?” Poe smiled a little.

“I was,” Poe said getting up and taking Ben’s now empty plate. Ben looked up at him and thought back to a moment of his childhood that wasn’t completely terrible.

“It was what? A few months every year?” Ben asked. Poe nodded, smiling.

“You went back and forth for quite a few years until you went to train with Luke,” Poe said. Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“You called me ‘Ben’ though? Back on your ship. When I tried to call Finn-”

“Yes, well, you’re not with the First Order anymore, and neither is he.” He turned to leave, but paused by the door. “I hope you’re really back, Ben. Because if you’re not, if you’re lying, there are going to be so many broken-hearted people.” Ben swallowed and nodded.

“I’m really back,” he assured Poe.

“Good. Rey would kill me if I had to kill you." He kicked the door to signal he was ready to be let out, and left. Kylo sighed and laid back on the hard bench.


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo cocooned himself in the blankets and waited. Rey came back quickly and they just stared at each other for a moment before Ben scooted over and they curled up together. They didn’t say anything that night, just lay close, coming in and out of consciousness until dawn. He could have sworn, but wasn’t really sure, that she kissed his cheek again when she left him in the morning, but he found it didn’t really matter. He knew what she thought of him, how she felt about him, and it was that hope in him that allowed him to get up and stomach some food. 

He didn’t have to wait long for the guards to come. They cuffed him and as soon as they walked out of the building, Rey pushed her way through and took his arms. The guards started to argue, but Poe shook his head.

“She’s fine,” he said. They walked across the base and went to a main hall. There weren’t a lot of people in the hall, but all of them looked angry. His mother sat before him with a line of people who clearly made up the council.

_You can do this, Ben,_ Rey said squeezing his forearm. He didn’t look at her, just sent her a wave of thanks.

“Ben, please be seated and allow me to introduce the panel,” Leia said. He sat as she turned to the others in turn, introducing them. “I have briefed them of what you told me last night, but they want to hear it from your mouth. If you need water or a break, just ask. You may begin whenever you are ready.”

Kylo took a deep breath and started his story again. At one point, Rey got up and got him some water, and he sent her a silent thanks as he took a few long swallows before continuing.

He could barely watch the panel’s faces as he told his story; he didn’t want to know what they thought, but he also knew better than to look away.

Just as he was finishing, Finn burst in.

“Sorry, but First Order fighters are approaching, all hands on deck!” Finn yelled and rushed to Rey’s side. “We need you,” he said as Leia started shouting off orders.

“Uncuff me!” Kylo said. “Uncuff me and give me a weapon! I can fight! I can help!” Finn glanced over his shoulder at Leia.

“Finn, Rey, get my son back to the brig. We have work to do,” she said and rushed out the door, blaster drawn. Sighing, Rey got up and half dragged Kylo outside.

“Uncuff me and let me fight! You know I can help!” Kylo said, and Rey shook her head as Finn pushed him forward.

“Leia gave us orders, you need to go back,” she said. Kylo grimaced as they rushed across the base. He looked up and saw the descending shuttles, and felt his heart skip a beat. There was no way that they were going to survive this onslaught. Stopping suddenly, Finn ran hard into his back and Rey tripped a little.

“Please, Rey, please. Let me fight. I want to help,” Kylo begged.

“Ben, this isn’t the time-” There was a loud explosion in the distance. “Please, let’s just-” They could see the stormtroopers in the distance coming closer.

“Oh, screw it! Let Leia blast us later,” Finn growled and uncuffed Kylo. “Don’t make me regret this.” He handed Kylo a blaster. Rey didn’t stop to think, just led them towards the fight. When the stormtroopers saw Kylo running at them, a few turned to flee, but more came at him. Kylo and Rey blasted at them, and when they got closer, they fought back to back again. Finn watched them out of the corner of his eye as he pushed forward. Everything was chaotic, and loud, but Ben took a few breaths, slowed his heart rate, felt Rey at his back, and pushed out. Rey and Finn stayed where they were, but a protective bubble formed around them, shoving back the stormtroopers, and both of them turned.

“We’ll never be able to fight our way out, but I can do this long enough so we can all get out,” Ben said.

“But Kylo,” Finn started.

“No, go. Move, we have to get the others.” They made their way slowly around the base collecting different Rebellion members and pulling them into the bubble. Ben was sweating under the amount of energy he was using, but kept going. The plan seemed to be working, and then they were starting towards Leia as she fought off some troops. Bombers flew overhead, and before any of them could react, several bombs landed close enough to Leia to throw her into the air. Everyone watched in shock as her body flew in the air.

Ben didn’t even remember dropping the shield and shoving through the crowd, couldn’t hear the other bombs falling, couldn’t feel the gravel as it cut into his side when he went to slide to catch his mother before she could hit the ground.

As soon as he had her in his arms, the sound came back and he could hear screaming. First Rey and Finn, then Poe, then the others.

His heart thudded loudly in his chest as he held his mother’s lifeless body in his arms.

“Ben, Ben, is she alright?” Rey asked crouching over him. He couldn’t breathe. Finn and Poe slid next to him. Brushing tears back, Poe put his hands over Ben’s.

“It’s ok, it’s ok, Ben. We’ll- we’ll take her-” He said and Ben clutched tighter to Leia who moaned. She was alive, but barely. He let out his breath and sat up.

“Keep her safe,” he said sliding her over to Poe.

“Ben, where are you going?” Rey asked as Kylo got up and grabbed his blaster. “Ben! We need to get out of here!” The crowd pushed her towards Poe and away from Ben. She was too small to get past them.

“Go with my mother, Rey,” he said walking away quickly. The stormtroopers were closing in. Those he couldn’t get with his blaster, he smashed down with the force. He saw Captain Phasma, blaster out, giving orders, and he started towards her. She had to be stopped. Hux would be nothing without her.

_Ben, come back! We’re leaving!_ Rey shouted in his head.

_Go! I’ll find you later!_

_Don’t be stupid!_ She yelled and he turned to look at her. She’d broken through the crowd and was running flat out at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. “You can’t leave me alone like this, you said you would never hurt me!” She shouted, and then, “Look out!” He turned just in time, barely missing the blaster. She grabbed him a moment later, and they ran back towards the rest of the group, tightly holding hands. He put up the force field just as another bomb hit them directly and he managed to keep it till they got back to the ships and took off again. The fighters followed but couldn’t penetrate his shield. He wasn’t going to let anyone get hurt again. He kept it up until they warped away and he was sure they were safely away.

“Ben,” Rey said, tears cutting through the dirt on her face. She put her hand on his shoulder as he slumped against the wall, completely spent. “Ben, Leia is in- she’s asking for you.” He closed his eyes and stood up. He took her hand and held it tightly. He stumbled a little, and had to lean on her as she led him to Leia’s bunk and started to leave, but he kept hold of her hand.

_Please. Don’t go,_ he whispered, and she rubbed her thumb across his knuckles.

“Ben,” Leia said, putting her hand on his face. “Ben, you came back. I always knew you would. Thank you for saving us.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, leaning into her touch. “I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you sooner. I’m sorry I brought them here. I’m sorry-”

“I know,” she whispered. “I know you are. But you’re going to make up for it, and all will be as it should.” She closed her eyes and her hand fell limply against his shoulder. Ben’s knees buckled under him, and his hand slid from Rey’s. He sobbed loudly into his mother’s side for several minutes. Rey knelt beside him, pressing her face to his shoulder.

“Come on, Ben,” she whispered. “We need to let the doctors- they need to-” Nodding, he stood up, and kissed his mother’s forehead.

“If you die, it will not be for nothing,” he whispered and let Rey take him by the hand into the crew quarters. He fell again next to a bunk, and Rey tried to catch him, but he shook his head, waving his hand at her.

“I just wish I could have done more, that I hadn’t- This is all my fault. I should never have told you-” He started choking back tears.

“It’s going to be ok, Ben,” Rey promised, and he shook his head, no.

“You don’t know that,” he said before breaking down in harsh sobs. This time when she went to pull him close, he let her, and she just held him until he cried himself out.

When he was finally done, she rubbed the back of his neck gently, and kissed the top of his head.

“I’m going to get you some water,” she said softly. He moved so she could get up, and sat against the bunk with his arms draped over his knees, and his head lolling down. He was so tired, he never wanted to move again.

Rey came back with some water and a med kit.

“You're bleeding,” she informed him as he took the water. He took a long drink and set the cup down. “Shirt off, please,” she said, sitting next to him as she opened the med kit.

“I'd rather not if it's all the same to you,” he said staring at his legs.

“Ben, please don't do this right now,” she said, close to tears. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_It's not like she hasn't seen you without a shirt on_, Ben told himself. He pulled his shirt off with a little difficulty, his body aching and stiff from all the abuse. He resumed his position and Rey sat cross legged next to him as she started cleaning his side. Wincing, he said nothing when she scrubbed a little too hard, but still she noticed. Of course she noticed. She was one of the nicest, kindest-

“Sorry,” she said. 

Ben said nothing.

Once satisfied the wound was clean, Rey patched him up and left to take back the med kit. Kylo laid down slowly, curling up on his good side on the bunk, too tired to care about much else. Rey came back in, sniffling.

“Ben?” She said in a small voice. He rolled onto his back to look at her and his stomach dropped.

“What? Is it- is she-” He started to get up, but she shook her head as she squeezed herself tighter.

“She’s- the doctors-” He got up and dashed out of the room and down the hall. People rushed out of the way, whether they were really afraid of him, or didn’t want to get flattened by a 6’2” man barreling through a small-ish hall, he didn’t care. Rose looked up as he burst into the main cabin and rushed to him.

“Ben, Ben, it’s fine,” she said as she put her hands up to stop him from getting to his mother’s side. He kept walking like she wasn’t even there. Finn and Poe got up when they realized what was happening.

“Ben, buddy, let’s go talk to the doctor before-”

“Kylo-” Finn said and that made Kylo stop. He looked at Finn- FN-2187 and glared. “Ben, sorry, just listen to the doctors first. I know this is scary-” Kylo grabbed him by the shirt collar, lifting him off the ground a bit.

“You have _no idea_ what I’m going through right now,” Kylo snarled as Rose and Poe tried to get him to stop and put Finn down.

“You’re right. Your people made sure I didn’t know what it meant to have a family, what it meant to have parents,” Finn said calmly. Kylo squeezed Finn’s collar tighter, closed his eyes, and set him down gently, even though he just wanted to smash Finn’s face in. Finn adjusted his collar and shook his shoulders. “Your mother is alive,” Finn said shortly. “They just don’t know if she’ll wake up.” Kylo glanced across the room at his mother in the med pod, sleeping. She looked so peaceful, so much more peaceful than she ever did awake. It made him feel like a child again, waiting for her to wake up and play with him. Only now-

Rey came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“The doctors are hopeful, just worried. It hasn’t been that long since the last attack, and she was unconscious then for a long time,” Rey explained.

“She what?”

“Back on the Raddus. When you attacked us in the Tie Fighters,” Rey explained.

“I- I didn’t- I couldn’t- I- Once I _felt her_-”

“Good to know you care about someone’s life other than your own,” Finn snapped and everyone turned to stare at him.

“Finn!” Rey started, but he cut her off with a shake of his head.

“No, no. You don’t understand, Rey. This man-” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “This man is a monster responsible for the deaths of countless people, and you just want me to trust him? Feel sorry for him? Because his mommy was attacked and now he’s on our side? Fuck that and you.” Everyone in the room started talking at once.

“Everyone shut! Up!” Rose yelled into the internal com speaker. “Just shut up, and let’s have a civil-” She looked pointedly at Finn, “-conversation about this.”

“He’s right,” Ben said, and everyone turned to look at him. “When we first talked on Ahch-To, and you called me a monster, I told you you were right,” he said to Rey.

“But the conflict-”

“Just because there was a part of me that wanted to be good, doesn’t make any of the things I have done less monstrous. And maybe in the future, with my actions, I can be a different person, but at the end of the day, _I am_ responsible for the death of millions.”

“But Snoke-” Rey started.

“But nothing, Rey. Finn has every right to be mad at me,” Ben said. He took her hand off his shoulder, squeezed it, and dropped it. “Finn’s right. All I’ve done is think about myself, how I feel.”

“Ben,” Rey said.

“I did this,” he said, turning back to his mother. “I caused this.” Ben looked around at all of them. He took a deep breath. “I know you don’t have any reason to trust or believe me, but I want to help. I want to fix this.” He turned back to his mother. “I want to come home.”

No one said anything.

A moment later, Rose walked up to him and stood next to him.

“I believe you want to make this right, and I know you’ll do everything in your power to help. Whether it’s because of your mom, or for yourself, or- or us, what does it matter?” She asked.

“It has to matter,” he said and looked up at Rey. “It has to. Because if I’m just doing it for myself, if all I care about is what I get out of it, and I don’t care if it’s the right thing, then what have I learned?” He asked. Rey bit her lip and watched him as he touched his mother’s hand.


	8. Chapter 8

Later, they went back to the crew quarters to find Finn, Rose, and Poe talking quietly in a bunk. They stopped and looked up when they saw Ben and Rey, but Rey pushed past them and went straight for an empty bunk. She sat, pulled off her boots and looked up at Ben.

“We should sleep,” she said and Ben nodded but didn’t move. Rey took his hand and started to pull him down next to her, but they froze when Finn made a noise.

“You shouldn’t-” He started, but Rose shushed him. Poe, Rose, and Finn began to whisper angrily to each other, and Kylo started to pull away, but Rey squeezed his hand. 

“Stay,” she said and Kylo looked between them, and sighed. He looked over at the other group who had quieted down, but Finn just glared at him. Ben looked back at Rey, dropped slowly next to her, and crawled around her till he was closest to the wall. Rey pulled the covers over them, and watched him for a moment, not touching him.

_Is it ok if I touch you? If I come closer?_ She asked.

“Yes,” he whispered and she scooted closer slowly, not wanting to hurt or jar him. She brushed some hair out of his face and settled in close to him. He stared down at her in awe for a moment, and then just wrapped his arms around her.

_This must be what other people say coming home is like,_ he thought to himself. Their time in the force bond had done little to prepare him for what was happening now. Even before, when they were fleeing the First Order, it hadn't felt real. He couldn't believe it was really happening. But now most of the physical pain was gone and he _ knew_ it was real, that Rey was really here, that this was really happening.

***

The next few weeks flew by. They were drifting without much hope or much of a plan, but they knew they had to keep going. Somewhere there had to be allies, people who wouldn’t be afraid to stand up to the First Order, but it didn’t seem to matter how many SOS alerts they put out, no one responded.

Ben helped wherever and however he could, and did everything from helping dispense food and dwindling water, to coming up with plans on where to go next. They stopped briefly on friendlier planets when they had to, but Ben stayed hidden in the crew quarters. He had no wish to deal with the authorities. Rey stayed with him sometimes, but more often than not she was needed to help get supplies. And so she trusted Anakin, Luke, and Obi-Wan to take care of him. Leia remained stable, but unconscious. The rest of them followed Poe’s lead after the events on Crait. He wouldn’t allow a doctor onboard in case they turned out to be a spy or discovered Kylo.

The only time Ben and Rey were really together was at night when they curled up in a bunk. Finn wasn't the only one to give them funny looks, but Rey didn't seem to care, so Ben did his best to ignore them too. He could only imagine what they thought.

About four weeks after the attack, they finally got some good news. A distant planet was offering them safe grounding so they could resupply and it sounded like there were a lot of people ready to take up arms to help the Rebellion.

Poe told the small group that morning at breakfast, and Ben got quiet and stayed sitting at the kitchen table long after the others had left. Rose started to walk by, but stopped when she realized he was still there twenty minutes later.

“You ok, Ben?” She asked, sitting next to him.

“Hmm?” He looked up at her. “Oh, yes, I’m fine.” She waited. “It’s just- how long have you all been on the lam? And now we are being promised safe harbor? Why? Why now? What’s changed?”

“You think it’s too good to be true?” Rose asked. “Do you know if this is a gut-thing or a force-thing?”

“I don’t know. Gut versus force, it doesn't really work like that. They are one in the same, generally,” he explained. Rose watched him for another minute.

“Do you want to tell Poe?” She asked and Ben blinked, shaking his head a little at her.

“No, no. It’s probably nothing,” he said and got up. “I’m sorry, we should get to work.” He got up and went down the hall to find something to do and ran into Rey. She stopped and looked back at him.

_Everything ok?_ She asked, and he nodded.

_It’s fine,_ he said.

“Liar,” she said out loud and he watched her head towards the cockpit, Rose following close behind. The worst part was waiting. He didn’t know for sure if it was a trap, but it sure as hell felt like a trap.

“Maybe you’re just nervous because the last time someone reached out to save you, it was a trap and you were put on trial,” Anakin suggested and Ben studied him for a minute.

“You’ve been quiet for a while,” Ben said. “After life keeping you busy?” Anakin smirked.

“You’ve been doing just fine,” he said and looked up as Rey came back in. She glanced at Ben and shot him a quick smile before sitting with Finn as they sorted once more through odds and ends, trying to figure out what could be used to fix the falling apart scrap heap that was the Falcon and what needed to be saved to sell so they could actually _buy_ supplies.

“Have you felt anything? Anything off in the force?” Ben asked. Someone stopped to stare for a moment, but Ben just waved them on.

“No, Ben, I haven’t. If I had, I would have told you,” he said. Ben looked around.

“Then why are you here?” He asked quietly.

“Just checking in,” Anakin said. “We’re worried about her.” They looked across the room where Leia lay.

“Will she be alright?” Ben asked, and Anakin shrugged.

“We hope so,” he said, and Ben nodded. “You should rest while you can,” Anakin said abruptly.

“What do you know, old man?” Ben asked, but Anakin shook his head and disappeared as Rey came over to sit next to him.

“Talking to yourself, Ben?” She asked.

_No, Anakin,_ he said.

_Haven’t seen much of him or the others lately. Everything ok?_ She asked.

_So far as I know. No one has told me otherwise,_. Rey leaned on his shoulder and Ben felt his heart skip a beat. He didn’t know if he would ever get used to these small acts of intimacy.

“You know, I spent so much of my life on Jakku wishing I could leave, wishing I could just fly away to find my family, but now I’m here and I find myself looking forward to landing on a new planet and seeing more than the walls of this piece of busted up ship,” she said. Ben nodded, looking at his hands.

“My parents fought a lot when I was a child, so I spent a lot of time on this ship. I knew all its ins and outs as if it was my own room. My fa- my father and Chewie taught me everything they knew about flying, about how to fix things. When I was about seven, he and my mother had a fight, a big one. Bigger than all the others, and my father left on this ship. It was years before I saw him again. There was this hole that nothing seemed to be able to fill, not until-” He stopped. “I’m sure this all sounds so trivial. Your parents-”

“What happened? What did they fight about?” Rey interrupted.

“My mother wanted to send me to train with Luke, but my father never really put much stock in the force or the Jedi. I think he was worried I would turn out like my grandfather, and at that point, he’d had enough fight to last a lifetime. He just wanted to live a quiet life and not be bothered by anyone.”

“Wouldn’t sending you off-” Rey started.

“He wanted me to stay with him, keep me close. I think he thought that if I stayed close, he could keep anything bad from happening. But by then my powers were growing, and if I didn’t get trained, I was a risk to everyone.” He paused. “Looking back on it now, I’m sure Snoke was a part of it, enhancing it. Everything was there, ready for the taking…”

Rey started to say something, but then Finn came over to them.

“Poe needs you,” he said and Rey started to get up, but Finn shook his head. “He needs _you_,” he said looking directly at Kylo. Rey looked at Kylo, but he shook his head, no. He got up and walked up to the cockpit wondering what he could have possibly done now when he saw Rose sitting in the second seat. At least she had the decency to blush when she saw Kylo, but she said nothing.

“Hey, Ben, how's it going?” Poe asked amicably enough, but Kylo just rolled his eyes.

“Subtlety is not one of your best skills, Poe,” Kylo said.

“I'd show you my skills, but I'm afraid Rey would be jealous,” Poe muttered under his breath. Kylo clenched his fist, but said nothing. He hated to think about what Poe was hinting at because after four weeks of sleeping by her side, nothing had happened, and he knew it never would.

“Poe!” Rose chided and hit his shoulder.

“Sorry, Ben. That was uncalled for.”

Kylo ignored him. “Rose told you I was nervous about Kreth, didn't she?”

“Yeah, and I'm just curious why you didn't come to me with these concerns, especially if you think it is a trap,” Poe said.

“I have had time to think about what I said, and what I have decided, for now, is I _am_ nervous, but it has more to do with the fact that the last time someone said they would help me, they were actually taking me as a political prisoner,” Ben said. Rose and Poe exchanged glances.

Neither of them said anything for a moment, and then they both started talking at once.

“You have to understand-" Poe said still sitting, but turning to look at Ben.

“Rey said you needed help, but you’ve also done-" Rose said standing up.

Crossing his arms, Ben leaned against the wall and let them talk themselves out.

“Are you done?” Ben asked when they had been quiet for a moment. Both of them looked away.

“So what you're saying,” Poe said slowly, “is that it is probably nothing?”

“Yup,” Ben said. “Is there anything else, or can I go?”

“No, there's nothing,” Poe said. Ben started down the hall but froze halfway down when he felt a hand on his arm. He clenched his fists as he tried to tell himself that he was safe and whoever was touching him was most certainly not attacking him.

“I'm sorry,” Rose whispered but didn't let him go. “I just- I just wanted to help.”

“What are you sorry for, Rose?” Kylo shrugged out of her grip as he turned to look at her. She winced as if he'd struck her, but he didn't care. “Are you sorry you were a part of a plan to bring me in under false pretenses? Or because you betrayed my trust and told someone something they had no reason to know?”

“I just-” She started and he could see the tears in her eyes. He knew she didn't mean it, that she hadn't been trying to be mean, but in that instant he just didn't care.

“Do me a favor and just leave me alone, alright? I don't need your help and I don't want your pity.” She let out a sob and ran down the hall away from the cockpit. Ben clenched his fist as he stared at the wall.

“Deep breath, Ben,” Luke said and for once Ben listened. “Good, again.” Ben took another slow breath, held it, and let it out. Again and again until the urge to hit the wall passed.

“What happened?” Rey asked rushing to him. “Rose just-" She stopped when she saw Ben’s face and Luke behind him. “You got this?” She asked Luke.

He nodded. “Go see about Rose.” Rey nodded and left them.

_I told her it was nothing,_ Ben said.

“She did it because she cares, not out of malice,” Luke said. “You feel so alone, but you won't let anyone take care of you, you won't let anyone in.”

Ben turned and glared. “I wonder why that is, _uncle_. Couldn't be because those that should have been there for me never were.”

“You're right, and I'm sorry. I’m so sorry. We failed you, and you lost your way, but now you have to learn to be there for yourself, to let others be there for you. Rey trusts them, and you trust Rey.”

“Rey trusts me, so clearly her judgement is flawed,” Ben said. Luke rolled his eyes and disappeared as Finn came down the hall.

“Who are you talking to?” Finn asked looking around.

“No one,” Kylo said shouldering past Finn roughly.

“Hey, there’s no need for that,” Finn said. “You’re the one talking to yourself.”

“Why does everyone have to have a comment today?” Kylo growled and Finn looked back and forth down the hall.

“Dude, you need to chill,” Finn said and Kylo laughed.

“Chill. _Chill!_ Why didn’t I fucking think of that?” Kylo yelled and Poe asked if everything was ok. “Just leave me alone, don’t act like you care, any of you.” He walked away and went back to his shared bunk, but Rey wasn’t there. Of course she wasn’t there, she was with Rose trying to make sure she was ok. 

Ben tugged out of his boots and curled up in the bunk wishing he could sleep, but his skin crawled and heart raced. He wanted to get up and fight, to smash his hand through the wall, or maybe his head. He knew that Luke was right, that Rose didn’t mean anything by it, that she was just worried, but still. There had to be a line somewhere, right? And he had every right to be nervous. The last time someone had reached out to him, other than Rey that was, they ended up having ulterior motives, and that didn’t mean just Finn, Poe, and Rose.

_Ben?_ Rey called from somewhere on the ship. _Ben, where are you? Are you sleeping?_

_Laying down, but too worked up to sleep,_ he said and a few minutes later she showed up.

“Can I come in?” She asked. “Or are you going to yell at me too?”

Ben took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly.

“I deserve that,” he said and held out his arm to her without rolling over to face her. She walked over to him and he grabbed her pants leg. “I’m just having a moment.”

“I heard,” Rey said. “You know she didn’t mean anything.”

“I do, but I told her I was fine.”

“Yeah, but you also said you didn’t know if it was your gut or the force. If it was the force, we need to know so that we can take the proper precautions.”

“I know,” he said and rolled over to look up at her. She stood with her arms crossed, but her face was relaxed, and he knew she couldn’t be _that_ mad. “I just am not used to telling people something, and have them turn around and tell someone else, and _not_ have anything bad happen.”

“Well something bad is going to happen, but this time it’s all your fault. You need to work on accepting the fact that there are people who care about you, and are not going to purposefully hurt you,” she said. He shrugged and she sighed. “Also, Poe thinks, and I agree, that when we land you should stay on the ship until we can explain the situation.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Ben said hollowly. Rey cocked her head at him as if she was trying to figure out if he was being sarcastic or not. He wasn't.

With a sigh, she asked, “Can I lay down with you? We are going to be arriving soon, and I’m tired.” He scooted over so she could curl up next to him. At first he lay awkwardly next to her, because he wasn’t sure if she was still mad at him. “You can put your arm around me if you want,” she said and he rolled on his side and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, sighing deeply. He loved the way she smelled, and just took in a few more deep breaths trying to capture it all as he shoved his face in her back. They fell asleep a few minutes later and didn’t wake up until Poe was alerting all of them that they would be docking soon.

“That went by fast,” Rey said stretching and yawning. Ben kept his arm draped loosely around her, not wanting to get up. No matter if this was a trap or not, he didn’t want to deal with more people gawking and being afraid. “Come on, Ben,” she said rubbing his arm. “Time to get up.” He groaned.

“How about no.”

“They are gonna come look for us; they need me,” she said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He lifted his arm and let her get up. “You’re going to behave now, yes?” She turned to look at him and it took him a minute to figure out what she was saying.

Biting his lip, he nodded. “So long as everyone else behaves.” Rey rolled her eyes and stood up stretching.

“I’m gonna go see if Poe needs anything,” she said and left. Ben rolled onto his stomach and closed his eyes. The empty spot next to him was still warm from her body, still smelled like her. He yawned again and stretched out across the bunk.

“Ben? Are you awake?” Rose asked and Ben inhaled sharply.

Breathing out slowly, he sat up and brushed his hair out of his face. “Yeah, I’m up,” he said getting up and stretching some more.

“I’m sorry. About before. I- I just thought- I don’t know what I thought,” she said. He brushed his hair back, and let out a deep breath.

“I know,” he said finally. “I’m just not used to people telling other people things I said and not have it be out of maliciousness.”

“I should have thought about that,” she said. “I did tell him that you didn’t want me to say anything, and that if it turned into an issue, you’d come forward, but he insisted.”

Nodding, Ben said, “I’m sorry, too.” And Rose came towards him as if to hug him, so Ben stepped back knocking into the bunk.

“Are you ok?” She asked. He nodded quickly.

“Yeah, just tired still,” he said and walked past her, careful to stay out of arms reach in case she decided to reach out and touch him. She followed him as he walked up to the main cabin area where the others stood around talking animatedly. They were all excited for the prospect of real food, good showers, and comfortable beds. Rey was up in the cockpit with Poe, and Rose went to join Finn on a bench, so Ben leaned up against a wall and watched the rest of them.


	9. Chapter 9

They landed without incident and everyone disembarked happily while Ben hung back. Luke sat with him in silence while they waited to find out what would happen. Ben had to use every ounce of self control to not bug Rey with their force bond, and just let her do what was needed.

Finally she came back and sat with him, every muscle in her body tense. Ben wanted to ask how it had gone, but his mouth wouldn’t work.

_You don't have to go in lock up, but they want to restrict where you are allowed on the base, and they want to talk to you to let you know where you're allowed. This is all probationary and even something as small as this morning would result in loss of privileges. If you weren't Leia’s son, if you hadn't helped us during the attack, things would be different._ She shook her head, sighing. Ben didn't say anything; he could barely breathe. It was better than he deserved.

“This is all my fault,” she sobbed. “I should have-”

“Oh, no. Don't. Please. Rey, it's ok,” he said but she kept sobbing. “Rey, really.”

“I should have gone with you,” she said wiping her tear-soaked face and turning to look at him. “I should have gone with you after the Throne Room. We could have gone off somewhere, just the two of us. We could have lived on some dank planet and-”

Ben patted her shoulder awkwardly, and Rey seemed to lose her train of thought.

“Ben?”

“Yes?” He kept patting.

“What are you doing?”

He stopped. “Comforting you?”

She snorted, and he half smiled having no idea what was so funny. Her face was red and covered in tears. He wished he knew better how to comfort her, but as she took a deep breath and looked up at him, he realized that if they lived, he had the rest of their lives to figure it out.

“Oh, Ben,” she said and pulled his arm around her shoulders. “Like this,” she said, and leaned into him. He looked down at her as she pulled her feet up on the bench while playing idly with his fingers. “Although I don't know why you're comforting me when it should be the other way around.” Ben just stared at their hands wondering how touching was just so _easy_ for her. She took another deep breath and then got up. “We should go, there is work to do, and hot showers.” Ben got up and followed her off the ship, not letting himself even _think_ about what just happened.

***

They had already transported his mother off the ship by the time he and Rey had disembarked. Someone came over to them, looked Ben up and down, and then put her hands on her hips. She seemed so familiar, but he didn't know why.

“Beh- Kai- I don’t even know what to call you, but I do know that the only reason you are still alive is because you saved the Rebellion, and why would you save the Rebellion if you hadn’t returned to the light?” She paused. “I don’t know, but if you put one toe out of line-”

“Do I know you?” Ben interrupted and Rey nudged him.

“Ben! Don’t be rude!” Rey chided.

“Oh, excuse me, but _do I_ know you?” He asked and the woman just crossed her arms and sighed.

“I didn’t expect you to remember me, you were so little when I took care of you,” she said. Ben just shook his head, frowning slightly.

“Yeah, I have no idea,” he said.

“I’m Zan, and we’ll just leave it at that for now, Ben. You’re going by Ben again?” She asked.

Before he could comment, Rey jumped in, “Yes, yes he is.”

_Rude_ Ben teased and Rey turned and looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

_Are you joking?_ She asked. _Did you honestly just make a joke?_

_Maybe,_ he said and she just shook her head, laughing.

“Well, Ben, welcome to Kreth. I’ll show you where everything is, and what’s off bounds, not just for you, but everyone. I’d strongly suggest, though, that you don’t even look in that direction. Everyone is rather on edge, because they don’t know if you’ve truly changed, despite practically your whole crew standing behind you,” Zan said. Ben glanced at Rey who shrugged.

The base turned out to be bigger than the one they just left, and Ben was amazed at the amount of people they had managed to gather. And they weren’t all just locals, but people from all over the galaxy who had come for respite and to regroup, but none of them that were there were ready to give up just yet. But they were all ready to take on the First Order, and there were many shocked faces when they saw Kylo Ren.

Slowing down, Ben watched the people rush around, letting the women get ahead of him. There was a small child playing with a ball not far off, and when she threw it a little too far, Ben picked it up and tossed it back. The girl shrieked with delight and tossed it back to Ben, clearly thinking they were playing a game. Ben glanced over his shoulder at the women still walking, and he knew he could easily catch up, so he tossed the ball back. After a few tosses, the child’s mother realized what was going on, immediately recognized Kylo Ren, and ran for her child.

"Get away from her, you monster!" The woman picked up her now shrieking child. Ben's heart skipped a beat.

Everyone turned to look at them, but another woman Ben hadn’t seen stood up and calmed the other woman.

“Shh, Adira, he didn’t mean any harm,” the woman said as the mother pulled her screaming child to her chest.

“What’s going on?” Zan asked coming back towards them.

“Nothing, nothing,” the second woman replied. “Just a misunderstanding.”

“Come on, Ben,” Rey said and held out her hand. Biting his lip, he looked down and took her hand, trying to ignore the way he wanted to peel his skin off. It wasn’t like he was going to do anything to the child, and actually he quite liked children. It had been so long since he’d seen one, because there were none on the Starkiller.

He brushed his hair out of his face and turned back towards the woman with her child, and his chest tightened.

Just months before, he would have killed them without a moment’s hesitation.

He stopped again, and Rey turned.

“What is it?” She asked, and Ben just took a deep breath, held it, and let it out.

“Nothing,” he said and saw her face. “I’ll tell you later,” he promised. She squeezed his hand and they continued to follow Zan around the base.

“And these are your quarters. I’m sure you are both looking forward to getting settled,” Zan said. “If you need anything, just let me know.” Rey thanked her as she squeezed Ben’s hand again before going in the complex. As most of the crew had already claimed rooms, it took them a few minutes to find anything empty. There was only a single room left. Ben tried to point out there was a perfectly good closet just down the hall but Rey just laughed, making a face at him.

“Ben, we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for over a month. Why is it any different if we do it behind a closed door?” Rey asked as she sat on the bed and started tugging off her boots. Ben blushed and rubbed his face. “Besides, the closet is full of clean jumpsuits and towels, people would probably annoy you trying to get their things.” Ben just shook his head a little. He had no real answers, he was just as confused as she was.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Ben said. He went back to the hall, grabbed a clean jumpsuit, towel, and went to find the bathroom. He walked in, saw a whole bunch of naked people, men and women alike, and walked right back out.

Someone laughed, and Ben blushed.

“Come on, Ben. It’s not so bad,” Rose said, popping her head out, her long wet hair dripped on her shoulders. She reached out to grab him, but he moved out of reach.

“I’ll wait,” he said and sat on the floor.

“Suit yourself,” Rose said and disappeared again. She came out in her new jumpsuit moments later, and wandered down the hall. Ben leaned back, eyes closed as he felt the warm wood behind him. It wasn’t like he’d never seen another person naked; it was just too much. He was used to having his own private shower where no one could see his scars. Rey came down the hall a bit later, raised her eyebrow at him, but said nothing.

She went in and said, “Ah,” loudly before closing the door.

Rey was the last one to come out, and she squatted in front of Ben.

“Do you want me to wait here, just in case someone tries to go in?” She asked leaning on his knee gently for support. Ben flushed again, looking at her hand.

“Would you mind?” He asked in a small voice.

“Absolutely not,” she said and sat down next to him. “Go on, there’s still plenty of hot water.” He got up and went in the now humid bathroom. Everything was damp. He pulled off his dirty clothes and left them in a pile on the floor. There were about ten shower faucets on the far wall, the toilets off to the left in cubicles.

_At least I won’t have to watch anyone else take a shit_, he thought to himself as he walked up to the nearest faucet and turned it on. As soon as it was warm enough, he stepped under the spray and sighed. The warm water felt so good against his skin. He grabbed some of the bar soap he found sitting on a rack and started washing himself as quickly as possible. He trusted Rey, but he didn’t want to hog the bathroom if it was the only one in the complex. When he was done, he dressed quickly, not even caring that he was still a little damp, and hurried out. Rey was right where he’d left her, sitting with her knees drawn up and staring off into space.

“Thank you,” he said holding out his hand to help her up. She took it and got to her feet slowly.

“You’re welcome,” she said as she held onto his hand. “Feel better now that you’re clean?” He nodded and dropped her hand as someone came around the corner.

“Rey, Kylo, we need you,” the man said and Ben narrowed his eyes a little.

“Please, call me Ben.”

Rey froze and stared up at him, but he refused to meet her eyes and instead saw his grandfather gazing at him approvingly from across the room.

_Both of you, please shut up,_ he said and they both made faces.

_I didn’t say anything,_ they said at the same time.

“Sorry, Ben. We need to debrief you. If you’ll just come this way,” the man said and both of them glanced up at the waiting soldier.

“Sorry, yes, we’re coming,” Rey said, and they followed him to a main hall.

***

After several hours of debrief, Ben and Rey went to visit Leia in the hospital wing where she still lay unconscious, but the doctors expected a full recovery.

“She’ll come around,” one of them reassured Rey as they glanced at Ben out of the corner of their eye. “We’re sure of it,” the nurse said, and Rey thanked them before grabbing Ben’s sleeve and pulling him out.

“Let’s go eat some dinner and then see if anyone needs anything,” she said as they walked quickly away. If she’d noticed the nurse’s glance, she didn’t let on, but Ben didn’t care. He didn’t want to talk about it. Again.

They went to the mess hall where they found their crew had started to mingle with some of the others, but still Finn and Poe called loudly for Rey to join them when they saw her. Ben followed close behind and tried to pretend like he couldn’t see the displeasure in their eyes. They sat and Rey talked animatedly to the others while she ate as Ben watched in silence. He finished first and retreated to his and Rey’s room.

He closed the door and stretched out on the bed. He watched the shadows change on the walls as the sun set and the moon began to rise.

A few hours later, there was a loud noise in the hall, followed by giggles. Rey’s giggles. Despite himself, Ben got up and went to the door, opening it slowly. Rey was a few doors down, whispering a loud apology to their neighbors.

“Sorry, sorry,” she said. “I got the rooms mixed up.” She laughed and turned towards Ben, cheeks flushed, and he could tell instantly she’d been drinking.

“Rey, what in the galaxy-” He started but she rushed towards him, shushing him.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she said. “It’s perfectly-” She belched loudly and laughed louder. He grabbed her sleeve and pulled her in the room.

“Really, Rey, do you have any idea what time it is?” He hissed and she snorted.

“You’re too serious, Ben. Lighten up.” She produced a bottle from he-didn’t-even-know-where and took a long drink. “Want some?” She asked shoving the bottle in his face.

“Where did you even get that?” He asked.

“Don’t worry,” she said patting his shoulder roughly. “Everyone’s celebrating tonight.”

“Why?” He asked.

“You don’t know?” She laughed excitedly. “It’s because we have a plan, and hope, and everything is falling in place. And it’s all thanks to you,” she said and rested her head on his chest. He stood there holding her loosely, not sure what else to do. And then he heard the sob.

“Rey?” He said quietly, and she wrapped her fingers in his jumpsuit. He took the bottle from her hand and set it on a nearby table, as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Ben, I just- I’m just so proud of you, and if your mother was awake, she would be too. And if your father-” He jerked back, tugging out of her arms.

“No,” he whispered. “Don’t.” He didn’t want her to say that his father would have been proud of him. Because it was a lie. There was not one day in Ben’s whole life that Han Solo felt proud of him.

“Ben,” Rey started, eyes wide. It was the first time since she’d gotten him from the Supremacy that he’d physically pulled away from her.

“_He_ wouldn’t have been. _He_ never was _proud_ of me for anything I _ever_ did.” Anakin, Luke, and Obi-Wan appeared in the corner, but he ignored them.

“All he wanted was for you to come home, and you did. _You did_! He would have been so proud,” she said and he clenched his fists, fighting the urge to slap her or use the force against her.

“Go find Finn, Poe, and Rose,” Ben growled. “I need to be alone right now.” Rey let out a choked sob.

“Rey,” Luke said gently, and she looked at him from where she stood swaying and crying. “Come on, Rey, I’ll walk you there.” He took her hand and they left. Ben started pacing, clenching and unclenching his fists.

“That could have gone better,” Ben growled.

“I think it went very well,” Anakin said. “Do you realize this is the first time someone has crossed a line, and you told them to leave? You didn’t keep fighting, just let them know what you needed, and didn’t lash out physically?” Ben kept pacing.

A few minutes later, someone pounded on the door.

“Open up, you fucker!” Poe yelled and Ben sighed but ignored him. Poe pounded on the door again. “Ben, I swear, I’ll go get Zan and you-” Ben kicked a chair and opened the door.

“What?!” Ben hissed and Poe punched him. Ben stumbled back and Poe came in, the door whooshing closed behind him.

“What the fuck did you do to her? She won’t stop crying!” Poe yelled.

Ben gingerly touched his quickly bruising cheek. “Of course it’s my fault,” Ben muttered darkly as he turned and saw Anakin. Ben took a deep breath and turned as Poe stepped into his space.

“Listen-” Poe said and reached out to grab him, but Ben stopped him with the force, making sure to do it so as to not hurt Poe, but not let Poe hurt him either.

“No, you listen! She came in here, drunk, said some things that I didn’t want to hear, so I told her to leave so I could cool off,” Ben said. Poe rolled his eyes.

“Clearly whatever she said deserved you kicking her out, you’re right,” Poe said backing up. “I’m sorry, you’re right. Your feelings are more important than anyone else’s-”

“Poe, shut up! I really don’t need this tonight. It’s taking _literally_ every ounce of self-control to not squish you like the bug you are, but if I did that, I know Rey would never forgive me. Even if you deserved it. You have no idea what happened, so leave before something we both regret happens.” He closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, and waited.

“No, I don’t think I’ll go,” Poe said. He picked up the chair Ben had kicked and sat in it backwards. “Let’s talk.” Ben turned around.

“What makes you think I want to talk to you?” Ben asked as Poe crossed his arms over the back of the chair.

“Because, for once, you’re not being violent, and I’m afraid if I leave, you’ll do something stupid,” Poe said. Ben scoffed and sat on his bed, rubbing his hands on his thighs. “What happened?” Poe asked softly, and Ben bit his lip.

“Just remember, I can still crush you like a bug,” Ben said and Poe rolled his eyes. “She was telling me about how you all were celebrating, and how I had given good information that was really going to turn things around and then-” He laughed a little to himself, and Poe scowled at him. “You’re right, it’s not funny, but she said she was proud of me, and that my mother would be proud of me, and then-” He took a deep breath. “It’s so stupid, all of this is so stupid.”

“And then what?” Poe asked softly, clearly not wanting to upset Ben any more than he already was.

“And then she said my- my father-”

Poe jerked. “Yeah, I can see how hearing about how the man you killed being proud of you would be upsetting.” He paused. “What exactly did you say to Rey?”

“I told her he had never been proud of me, and that she should leave, so I could get myself under control. Minus the last part,” Ben said. “I was just so mad, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. On any other day, if she had been anyone else, I would have- I would have hurt her. I mean, _really_ hurt her.” He paused and looked at his hands. “But I don’t want to hurt her. I just need some time.” Poe nodded.

“You gonna be ok, buddy?” He asked and Ben looked up sharply. “I’m sorry, Supreme-”

“That’s not-”

“I know,” Poe said. “I know.” He paused. “I’m sorry I punched you.” Ben shrugged.

“I should have realized either you, Rose, or Finn would have had the same reaction.”

“Seriously though, you gonna be ok?” Poe asked. Ben shrugged.

“Do you think Rey will ever forgive me?”

“Of course she will,” Poe said and got up. “Just maybe give it a few days,” he said, winked, and left. Ben shook his head and looked over at Anakin.

“You know, _I’m_ proud of you, don’t you?” Anakin asked and Ben bristled.

“Shut up,” Ben said and stripped out of his clothes before crawling into bed.

“Or you’ll what?” Anakin asked and Ben shook his head, no. Anakin didn’t push it, and let Ben sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

He found himself back on the bridge, his father standing before him. This time neither of them had weapons. Ben’s heart beat loudly in his chest. This was the last place he wanted to be tonight. Han just shook his head and sat with his legs hanging over the edge, leaning his arms on the bar in front of him. So Ben sat next to him.

They didn’t say anything, just sat there in silence for a long time. 

When he woke up, he was alone. Rey had not come back and his family had all buggered off. He got up, pulled his clothes and boots on, and wandered to the mess hall. Rey sat with the others; she looked pale, her eyes hollow. He wondered if she had gotten any sleep. She looked up when she saw him out of the corner of her eye and scowled at him. He ignored her and went to get some breakfast.

He started to sit alone, but then Poe called him over.

“Poe, shut up,” Finn hissed as Rey wiggled in her seat uncomfortably. But then Rose scooted over so Ben could sit between her and Poe, and Ben just shook his head as he took his tray over to them. Rey started to get up, but Poe put his hand over hers.

“Don't be stupid, you just got your food,” he said and Rey grumbled something darkly as she settled back into her seat. They ate in awkward silence while everyone around them talked cheerfully, if somewhat subdued after the previous night’s festivities.

When they were done, they got up and left, Ben heading back to their room while the others went off to get on with preparations.

Rey came in around lunch time.

“Are you just gonna stay in here and sulk all day?” She asked when she found him sleeping. He glanced up at her, shaking his head a little.

“I'm not sulking,” he mumbled into the pillow.

“Bull,” she said as she stood over him with her hands on her hips.

“What do you want, Rey?” He deadpanned, rolling on his back to look at the ceiling once he realized she wasn't going to leave him alone.

“I want you to talk to me,” she said and he looked up at her.

“No, you want me to think my father was a saint.” She made a face and he shook his head. “No, you don’t get to brush me off like that,” he said, getting up and put his hands on her shoulders as he felt a tear spill down his cheek. “You want me to talk to you? You want me to tell you every time you talk about him all adoringly, because he gave a shit, it _physically_ hurts me? That my mother has never shown the same affection to me that she does to you? How both of them parented you in ways they never did me?” A tear spilled down Rey’s cheek and Ben cupped her face with his large, calloused hands, and rubbed her tear roughly away with his thumb. “No, no, you don't get to do this.”

“I'm sorry,” she said thickly as another tear fell. He wiped that away too, and then she got up on her tiptoes, took his face in her hands, wiped away one of his tears with her own equally calloused thumb, and then pulled him down gently to kiss him on the mouth.

Ben couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him, held him so gently as she did then.

He sighed into the kiss as he pulled her closer, kissing her back. They wrapped their arms around each other, and Ben wrapped a hand around her waist as she surged up against him, kissing him roughly, impatiently as she tangled her fingers in his long hair. Shaking in her arms, he broke the kiss gently, but clung to her, mouth still close to hers. His free hand rested on her cheek, slightly tangled in her hair.

“What?” She asked breathing hard. “You ok?” He nodded a little as he pressed his forehead to hers. She gently stroked his jaw with her knuckles. “You sure?”

“I just need to catch my breath,” he said and she started to push away, and he wanted to pull her tighter, but instead let her go. She sat on the bed, and his heart skipped a beat. If she could kiss him like that, how would they ever _just_ sleep together again? He turned so he didn’t have to look at her. “You didn’t win the fight,” he said eventually and she sighed.

“I’m sorry,” she said. They fell silent for several long minutes, lost in their own thoughts.

“I can’t believe you kissed me,” he said finally, arms crossed over his chest. He clutched at himself tightly.

She laughed. “You kissed me back.” He rolled his eyes.

“What does this mean?” He asked as he touched his lips. “Why did you kiss me?”

Rey smiled sadly. “Because I wanted to.”

He shook his head at her. “That is the worst reason to kiss someone in the middle of a fight.”

She licked her lips and looked down at her hands.

“I don’t think you’re ready to hear why I kissed you,” she said. He opened his mouth to respond, and then someone knocked on the door.

“Rey? Ben? We need you,” Poe called. Ben looked at Rey, all shields gone, wanting to ask her to stay, to make her tell him, but then Poe knocked again. Rey got up and went to the door, and the moment was gone.

***

All afternoon, they worked. Rey went off to help fix ships with Rose, and Ben went with Poe and Finn to sort out their supplies. Ben tried to push aside thoughts of what happened, but he kept smiling to himself and his numbers kept being wildly off.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Finn asked looking down at about twenty potatoes that Ben had just said were fifty. “Do you need to relearn how to count? Get hit in the head too many times?” Ben scowled and rolled his eyes. “Really? You- you’re gonna roll your eyes at me. _Learn how to count!_” He shouted and rushed off with the box. Ben stared after him for a moment, and then shook his head. All they had left to do was repack everything, so he grabbed a few boxes and followed after Finn, who was still cussing under his breath.

When they were finally done, Ben realized he’d missed lunch and he was starving. He rushed to the cafeteria, and grabbed some food before sitting with Finn as they waited for Poe, Rose, and Rey. After grabbing her food, Rey made a beeline for Ben, scooting into his space as Rose squeezed in on the other side of Rey. Ben ate quickly and started to get up to leave, but Rey put her hand on his thigh and he sat back down.

_Relax,_ she said and he took a deep breath. He looked around at everyone talking quietly, but happily, after a long day’s hard work. They were going to be leaving in a few days, and he wondered after a moment how many of them had homes to go back to. This was one of the last meals they would have with solid ground beneath their feet, for fuck-only-knew how long. He had no idea how many of them would make it through the fight, but he knew the losses would be great. He wondered, not for the first time, if they were being foolish, if they should wait some years to regain everything, but then a nagging voice reminded him that they didn’t _have_ a couple days, much less years.

“What do you think, Ben?” Rose asked and Ben shook his head.

“Sorry, what?” He asked and everyone laughed.

“Who is the prettiest person here?” She asked and Ben looked around, wondering what the hell they were asking him for, and then he saw the smirk on Rey’s face.

He groaned and brushed some hair out of his face. “Isn't it obvious?” He sat up and looked at them all as they sat there waiting for his answer. “Me. I'm the prettiest person here.” Rose and Poe glanced at each other and Rey snorted with laughter. The others joined in, not entirely sure what just happened.

“Was that a joke? Did you just make a joke?” Finn asked, laughing, and Poe elbowed him.

“He’s funny. I told you, didn't I?” Poe said, and everyone laughed in earnest. “You should join us tonight.” Ben cocked his head. “For the party. So many worlds have ended and we’re still here, together. Together and alive.” Ben licked his lips, his good mood instantly gone.

“I shouldn't,” he said, and Poe made a face. “It has been a long day, and I'm tired.”

“You're right. You put in a half day’s honest work, more work than you've put in… ever?” Poe teased and everyone laughed nervously as they watched Ben for his reaction. He grinned wickedly and force tossed a pea in between Poe’s eyes, and everyone exploded with laughter, Poe included.

“You're an asshole, Poe,” Ben said, getting up and laughing. This time Rey let him. “Maybe I'll join you later,” he said, and had to resist the urge to squeeze Rey’s shoulder as he walked away. She smiled up at him as he put his dishes away and went back to their room. He flopped on the bed, pulled a pillow close, and fell asleep.

At first he had fairly blase dreams about farming and cooking and basic chores, but little things were off. Either a simple small object was too big, or a person had weirdly shaped hands, but nothing _too_ terrible.

And then it all changed and he found himself back in the Throne Room.

His heart pounded in his chest, his throat tight, he couldn’t breathe. Something was on him, attacking him. No, not something. Someone.

“You think you can get away from me, _Kylo Ren_?” Snoke hissed from above him. “Think again. There isn’t a place in all the galaxies that you could go that I couldn’t find you, that I _won’t_ find you.” Ben squealed and tried to force push the other man away, but he couldn’t. Snoke turned the power back on Ben, and increased it. Ben screamed in pain. “You were nothing more than a weak little cur. You truly are Han Solo’s son.” Ben tried to break free of Snoke’s force grip, but there was nothing he could do.

And then he heard another voice.

“Ben, Ben, wake up,” Rey said. _She_ was beside him and his heart skipped a beat when he could see through her, but she just smiled gently at him, and he knew she could never look at him like that if something were truly wrong. He grunted and fought harder against Snoke. “Ben, you’re safe. Let go,” Rey said. “Let go of the fear.”

“You will _never_ be safe,” Snoke argued, smashing him harder into the floor. “You are marked and will forever be mine.”

“Ben, you’re just having a bad dream,” Rey said as she touched his cheek gently with the back of her hand. Her touch was so cool it sent shivers down Ben’s spine. Snoke lost some of his control. “Come back, come back to me, Ben,” Rey said and Ben took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“She is nothing,” Snoke said, but he sounded far away. Ben slipped from Snoke’s grasp and he floated up and away towards the ceiling.

“Good, that’s it, yes,” she said as she watched him. Ben half expected Snoke to attack her, but before he turned to see where he was floating to, Snoke dissipated in a puff of smoke, and Ben floated up through the ceiling.

When he opened his eyes he saw Rey sitting next to him, gently stroking his hair. She opened her mouth to say something, but he surprised her when he curled up on himself and let out a strangled sob. When the tears came in earnest, Rey scooped him up in her arms and held him close like he was a child while he cried. She ran her fingers through his hair, stroked his cheek, and kissed his forehead all while whispering small words of comfort.

“I’ve got you, Ben, I’ve got you. I’m here, you’re not alone,” she whispered until finally he gave one last shuddering sob, and just clung to her with his head in her lap. As he started to doze again, Rey started to pull away, and he whimpered, pulling her closer.

“It’s alright, Ben,” she whispered putting her hands on his wrists. “I just need to go to the restroom and wash my face. I’ll be right back.” Ben nodded and let her go.

As soon as the door closed he sat up and brushed his tangled hair out of his face and rubbed his now-puffy eyes, trying not to think too hard about what had just happened. Rey came back a few minutes later with some tea and a cool, damp cloth. Ben rubbed the cloth over his face and the back of his neck before taking the tea.

“Be careful, it’s hot,” she said as she set the rag to dry on a hook before bending to take off her boots. Ben held the cup in both hands, letting the warmth pull him back into his body. “Feeling better?” She asked as she tugged out of her jumpsuit and pulled on her now clean, normal clothes. Blushing, he looked away and found his own clothes mended and folded on a chair nearby.

“A bit,” he said and took a small sip of the tea. “Thank you.” She nodded and sat next to him on the bed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, and he shook his head, no. “Alright, but if you do, I’m here.” She sat on the bed next to him and pulled an extremely old book out of her bag and settled down to read it. When he was done, he set the cup down on the bedside table and looked at Rey.

“I’ll be right back,” he said grabbing his clothes and walking down to the bathroom. A few people were at the far end of the bathroom showering, but Ben did his best to ignore them as he pulled off his clothes and turned on the water. He showered quickly, and got dressed with shaky hands. The others didn't pay any attention to him at all.

Back in their room, Rey had stretched out under the covers laying on her back as she read, face twisted in concentration. He set his clothes on the chair and she jerked looking up at him.

“Hey,” she said, holding her hand out to him.

“Hey,” he replied as he took her hand and sat next to her.

“How are you feeling?” She asked closing the book and setting it aside. He shrugged, and she squeezed his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he said. She stopped and looked up at him.

“For?”

“For all of it. I’m sorry for the Throne Room. I should have gone with you then. I should have saved the fleet,” he whispered. She opened her mouth to say something, but Ben shook his head, and she just watched him. “I regretted it as soon as I woke up. And then you left me on Crait. I just-” He shook his head. “I don’t know how you can stand to touch me.”

“Ben,” she said, sitting up quickly. He shook his head again, pulling away so she wasn’t touching him any more.

“You want me to talk, let me talk,” he said and she sat up, pulled her legs under her chin and wrapped her arms around them, watching him. “You are the kindest, most caring, most _forgiving_, most thoughtful person I have ever known. No one has _ever_ been there for me like you have been, like you always are. And you don't let me get away with anything, but you know when I need you, and you’re always there. How? How do you know?”

“Because I care about you, Ben,” she said. “Because you deserve to be cared for.” He laughed hollowly, wrapping his arms around his stomach, trying to fight back the urge to be sick.

“When we first got here, there was a child, and for a moment I forgot myself, forgot the past. She was playing with a ball, and it got away. I threw it back and she was so happy to find a friend for a moment, but then her mother saw me.” He shook his head trying to push back the tears, but failing. “You asked why I killed my father, you called him a good man. I can see your response in your head, you want to say that it was Snoke, that he was twisting everything, that he made me. And to some extent it was, but a lot of it was me. The seeds of anger were there, and Snoke watered them. Rey- I- I was so angry with my father for so long for showing no interest in me, for pawning me off, and then I met you. Your parents-” She made a face and he could see the tears were close. “Your parents really treated you like garbage, left you with that monster, left you when you needed them most, and I realized maybe home life wasn’t great, but it _wasn’t_-” He licked his lips and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before continuing. “It’s easy to say _if only my father was there_ but then I look at you, and I look at Finn. You both could have given into the Darkside at any point, and yet you didn’t. Why? _Why are we so different_?” He breathed and Rey wiped a tear away.

Swallowing hard, she said, “I never gave up hope that someone would come for me.” Ben’s heart skipped a beat and another tear fell down his cheek.

“And Finn?”

“He said he made a decision that he wouldn’t kill for the First Order. Beyond that-” She shrugged. “You could ask him.” Ben laughed, but he wasn’t sure if he was really laughing, or if he was on the verge of a full on breakdown. “I don’t see why that’s so funny,” Rey said angrily, and Ben sat up, trying to wipe the smile off his face.

“It’s- I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly Finn’s favorite person,” Ben said and Rey shook her head.

“Just ask him,” she said picking up her book. He cleared his throat and wrapped his arms back around his stomach, debating.

He got up and left before she could ask him where he was going, or lose his nerve. He found Rose, Poe, and Finn’s room easily enough, but found himself hesitating by the door.

“This is stupid,” he finally whispered to himself and turned to leave. Someone knocked on the door behind him and he turned in time to see Anakin’s smirk before fading away. The door opened and Finn poked his head out.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said, scowling. “What do you want?”

Ben cleared his throat nervously. “I wanted to talk to you.” 

Finn made a face and pointed at himself. “Me?” Finn asked, surprised. Ben nodded and Finn looked behind him. “Why?” He asked, crossing his arms and leaning on the door frame.

“Who is it?” Rose asked.

“No one, don’t worry about it,” he said closing the door and stepping closer to Ben. “You’ve got sixty seconds.”

“What made you switch?”

Finn cocked his head. “What?”

“What made you become a- What made you switch sides?” Ben asked and Finn laughed a little, rubbing his face with one big hand.

“You fucking with me?” He asked, and Ben shook his head, no. Finn huffed a little. “You remember Jakku? The village?” Ben nodded, yes, because of course he did. “When I was a stormtrooper, I was a squad leader. I had a small group of handpicked boys. We were a tight knit group, promised to protect each other. But then Slips- FN-2003-”

“He was killed,” Ben said and Finn nodded, yes. 

“The others had gone on ahead, but he died in my arms, and I just- I didn’t have it in me to force that pain on anyone else.” Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Those villagers didn’t deserve what happened to them.”

“No,” Ben agreed. “And neither did Slips.”

Finn cocked his head. “No, no he didn’t.” He bit his lip. “You’re serious about wanting to change, aren’t you?”

Nodding, Ben said, “Yes, yes I am.”

“What about you? Why did you go to the Darkside?” Finn asked, and Ben bit his lip.

“My family abandoned me when I needed them the most.”

“But you were training under your uncle, Luke Skywalker, with a bunch of others like yourself-”

“When you were a stormtrooper, you never felt like an outsider looking in? You never had a nagging feeling that you were out of place, that you didn't belong?” Ben asked. Finn looked at his hands, but said nothing. “It felt like my family just dumped me with my uncle so they could do whatever they wanted to, and at first I tried to make it work. Lessons were interesting, but Luke didn’t have as much time for me as I needed. And Snoke was always there, always ready to give me the praise and attention I constantly craved for.” Ben brushed some hair behind his ear and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“And what brought you back?” Finn asked and Ben smiled slowly, but shook his head.

“It was the right thing to do…” He finally said and Finn scoffed.

“You did it for her,” he said indicating down the hall towards Ben and Rey’s room. “I’ve seen the way you look at each other, how you touch each other, I’m not stupid.” Ben waited. “I can’t say that I’m happy about it, but I can say that if she shows up at my door crying like she did the other night, I won’t hesitate to take your punk ass out.”

Rose opened the door and came out, laughing. “What the hell are you doing?” She asked and then saw Ben over Finn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s ok,” Ben said. “We were done.” He nodded at Finn who put his hand out to shake. It was probably the most awkward handshake ever, but Ben took it, heart feeling a little lighter. He went back to his room and found Rey sprawled in the middle of the bed fast asleep and snoring. He shook his head and sat on the edge of the bed. “Rey,” he whispered brushing her arm.

“Mmm,” she said and rolled away. Ben crawled under the covers and closed his eyes. Rey rolled back to him, flopping over him, pulling him close. “Babe,” she mumbled something else, kissed his shoulder, and then fell back to sleep, and he followed soon after.


	11. Chapter 11

The next day, Ben was helping sort supplies when Poe pulled him away.

“Everything ok?” Ben asked as he followed Poe down the hall.

“Yeah,” Poe said. “We just need your opinion on something.” Ben bit his lip. He knew that they had all been discussing different plans of attack, most of them complete duds. Fortunately, they knew that most of them wouldn’t work, but they knew, and Ben knew, they would have to do something soon. They couldn’t just keep hiding, they would be found eventually. And once found, they would be destroyed.

Poe led him into a room full of people all talking at once. They turned and quieted slowly when they saw Poe and Ben. Rey stood with Rose and Finn, all of them watching him.

“We’re split down the middle on what to do,” Poe explained. “Some people think we should find out where they are, and attack them with all we have. Many have pointed out that if we do this, there will be nothing left over if they over run us, but the first group argues that if we have the element of surprise, we could take them.” Ben nodded, but said nothing. He knew it was a only half a plan at best, but he didn’t want to take away their hope just yet if their other plan was equally as bad. Or worse. Poe took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “The other plan is to just keep running until we can get more people, more supplies. Once it becomes clear that there is no peace within a First Order regime, people will be more willing to fight.” Ben scoffed despite himself, and Poe bit his lip. “Care to share your thoughts?” Poe asked after several minutes.

Sighing, Ben brushed his hair back out of his face and looked out among the people. “The first plan would never work,” Ben said simply. “They have too many troops, ships, shields… Without someone on the inside, to strip the shields, there’s no way to get to the bigger ships.” He paused. “The second plan won’t work because the First Order has deep pockets and a lot of allies. There will _always_ be people willing to sell you out. People are scared, they don’t want to bring the First Order down on them.” The group stood in silence.

“So, what you’re saying is that there is no hope?” Someone finally asked, and Ben rubbed his face with his hands.

“I’m saying that we have to come up with a different plan.” Everyone started yelling at once, and Ben waited for them to talk themselves out.

“What do you suggest?” Poe asked.

“Get someone on the inside, have them disable the shields, scramble coms, and make sure to take out all the higher ups. With no leader, the First Order is nothing,” Ben said.

“And who do we send on the inside?” Finn asked. Ben just looked at him. “I have no idea how to disable anything!” Finn yelled. “We barely got in last time, and-”

“And you managed to take down the Supremacy,” Ben pointed out.

“Yeah, with massive losses,” Rose pointed out.

“You have something now that you didn’t before,” Ben pointed out and Finn huffed.

“I swear if you say we have you now…” Finn said. Ben looked at Rey who just nodded.

“There was a moment when I could have saved the fleet,” Ben said slowly, “but I didn’t.”

“Aren’t you replaceable?” Finn asked and Rey opened her mouth to say something, but Finn cut her off. “What I mean is, Hux took over, right? He isn’t going to stop attacking us.”

“Hux can be dealt with,” Ben said. Finn just shook his head, sighing.

“What do you suggest we do?” Poe asked. Ben bit his lip.

“Let me go on ahead, take down the shields, and then when the time is right, the Rebellion comes and takes them down,” Ben said. Finn shook his head, no.

“How do we know we can trust you?” Finn asked.

Sighing, Ben said, “If you can’t trust me by now, I don’t know what will change your mind.”

“You’re the one responsible for the destruction of-”

“Finn!” Rose chided. “He saved us! He saved us all. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.”

“_After_ he put us in danger,” Finn pointed out. “I don’t like it. How do we know this isn’t some sort of master plan? Some sort of a last ditch effort to get us all killed? To wipe out the Rebellion once and for all?”

“You don’t,” Ben said simply. Poe chewed idly on his thumb nail.

“Ben, we have to be in full agreement on a plan, so thank you for your input, but if we need you, we’ll let you know,” Poe said. Ben shook his head.

“You need me,” he insisted. “No one knows the systems like I do. No one can get to the places I can get to.” Poe shook his head as he looked at Finn.

“We’ll call you if we need you,” Finn said. Ben huffed a little and left.

“Call me when you need me,” he muttered under his breath. “As if I was some sort of dog.”

***

Ben woke up before dawn the next morning. He knew it was futile, their plans. They would never get past the Tie Fighters, much less all the stormtroopers. If there was ever a chance for them, he would have to do something very, _very_ stupid. Rey wrapped her arm around Ben’s shoulders, sighing. He reached up and touched her arm, wishing there was some way he could make her believe he would come back for her, if he could, but the words wouldn’t come. He started to get up and she tightened her grip around his shoulders.

“No…” She muttered sleepily, and Ben smiled, taking her hand and squeezing it.

“I’m just gonna go the bathroom," he lied. She groaned and rolled away. Rubbing his face, he walked down the hall and out the front door. He wanted to see his mother one last time, but as he stepped out into the early morning light, he realized he couldn’t remember where she was.

He closed his eyes and reached out.

First, he felt Rey; she was still sleeping soundly. He stretched farther until he found _her_. He set off for the medical hut and arrived just as Zan came rushing over to him.

“Ben, what are you doing here?” She asked and Ben pointed at the door.

“I’m here to see my mother.” The woman’s face softened.

“Of course,” she said. She punched a code into a keypad, and the door opened. “This way.” He followed after her silently. Some of the medical staff looked slightly alarmed when they saw Ben, but relaxed when they saw he was with Zan. “She’s been in stable condition; we expect a full recovery.”

“If she wakes up,” Ben said as Zan left. He went in and sat on a chair near his mother’s bed.

At first, he just watched Leia. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought she was just sleeping. He didn't remember when he started crying, but it wasn't long until Rey was there, hair mussed, face still puffy from sleep, boots on but untied.

“Ben,” she whispered from the door and stumbled in. She swayed next to him for a moment, looking quite unsure of herself. He held out his hand and she took it and half sat, half collapsed into his lap and snuggled into him. “I'm here,” she whispered as she pulled his arm close.

“I know,” he whispered thickly back. It was hard to breathe, but Rey was so warm, so solid in his lap. He sat there until he was sure she was asleep again, and sighed. He didn’t want to get up, but he knew he had to. If he didn’t leave now, he would lose his nerve and there was too much at stake to not go.

He stood up, and set her on the chair, using the force to lull her back to sleep before closing the link once more. The last thing he wanted was for her to come looking for him before he was ready. She sighed a little, and he brushed some hair from her face before kissing her cheek. He kissed his mother too, and then made his way to the hangar where he knew there were a lot of X-Wings, willing the others to not see him.

Everything went smoothly until he started to take off. He heard alarms go off, but he ignored them. The controls were a little awkward, but he wasn’t one of the best pilots in the galaxy for nothing. He maneuvered out of their range easily, and then warped away. Just as he left, he thought he heard an echo of Rey’s voice pleading with him to stop, but he ignored her.

***

Once away from the Rebellion, Kylo took a deep breath and let it out.

“What are you doing, you stupid man?” Luke asked and Anakin chided him.

“Do you think this is wise, going after them alone?” Obi-Wan asked and Ben shrugged.

“They think you defected again,” Luke said. “You need to go back if-”

“It’s too late,” Ben said and Luke threw his hands up in the air, yelling in frustration.

“It’s already too late, Luke, unless this works,” Anakin said. Ben bit his lip and closed his eyes as Luke sighed.

“What do you need from us?” Obi-Wan asked. Ben thought for a moment. He wanted to tell them to go back, to tell Rey it would be fine, but shook his head.

“You’ll know when the time comes,” he said instead and Luke shook his head.

“It didn't have to be this way,” Luke said.

Ben ignored him, and instead focused all his energy on finding Hux and the First Order. It wasn’t hard; all he had to do was follow the screams.

He took his time catching up with them, heart pounding in his chest every minute of the way.

As he pulled up next to them, he could almost hear the alarms going off. He turned on the comm and waited for them to answer.

“I need to speak with General Hux,” he said once he was connected. “It’s Kylo Ren.”

“I know who you are, Ren,” snarled Hux. “What do you want?”

“To talk. I have information about the rebellion you would be interested to hear about.” He tensed waiting for a response. They pulled him in and he sat there waiting, heart pounding, ignoring the tugs he felt from Rey. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep her out forever, but he hoped he could for long enough to do what he had to.

Hux stood in the hangar, arms crossed over his chest.

“The prodigal son returns,” Hux said as Ben got out of the ship. “In my wildest dreams, I never expected you to come back like this. What trap do you think you have laid for me now?”

“No trap,” Ben said stretching. “I have information that you will find useful.” Hux squinted at him.

“I nearly killed you, and yet you claim to freely come back, even after you murdered our Supreme Leader? You expect us to open our arms to you?” Hux asked and Ben shook his head, no.

“But you will when I tell you exactly where the Rebellion is.”

Luke glared from his corner, arms over his chest. “You can't _really_ be doing this…”

_Trust me, Uncle, you won’t won’t regret it this time,_ Ben said and Luke just scowled.

Hux studied him a moment longer.

“Well, where are they, then?” He asked. Ben licked his lips and swallowed. If the Rebellion didn’t believe him, if they were stubborn they were doomed, and would be ripped into shreds, but he believed in Rey, believed she could make them listen. Ben told him the coordinates.

_Tell Rey to be ready to warp away when I give the signal, tell her that I’m still here,_ Ben said and Luke made a face.

_Tell her yourself,_ he said but disappeared.

“Go and check to see if they are there,” Hux said, still watching Ben. “Ren and I need to have a little chat.” Hux led him down the hall to the Throne Room. The curtains still hadn’t been replaced, and the stars shone brightly through the glass.

“I never could understand why Snoke insisted on the curtains,” Ben said and Hux made a face.

“Space is far less intimidating than the unknown,” Hux said as he sat on the Throne. It took Ben a moment to realize in all his time of leading the First Order, it had never once crossed his mind to return here, to sit in _that_ chair. “It’s hard for me to believe you would come back willingly, considering we were going to kill you.”

“I had information I knew you wouldn’t be able to refuse,” Ben said and braced himself.

“The gutter rat turned you down, did she?” Hux asked and Ben’s hand twitched.

“My goal was always to bring down the Rebellion,” Ben said instead. “With or without you.”

“Right,” Hux said, shaking his head and laughing a little. “Well, I hope you’re telling the truth, because your life depends on it.” They waited for a few more minutes and then an officer returned.

“Sir, the Rebel scum are there,” the officer said, and Hux smiled down at Ben a little.

“You are alive for another minute,” he said and then turned back to Ben. “You better not be lying to me.” Hux left him for a few moments to call his council to order.

Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He could feel Rey tugging at him and as he turned, he saw her.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” She yelled and he flinched a little.

_How many troops are waiting to come together?_ He asked and she snorted a little.

_And why do you think I would tell you that now?_

_Because I’m your only hope. I _know_ how many troops are here, and I have some idea of the amount of troops that will be there, I just need to know if it will be enough._

_Enough for what?_ Rey asked angrily.

_Enough to take it all down,_ Ben said and he felt Rey’s heart skip a beat.

_I- Ben, you didn’t tell any of us-_

_Would you have let me come alone?_ He asked and she stayed silent. _When I give the signal, you leave, and then in the confusion I’ll disable their shields, and then you all come back, and just rip the First Order to shreds._

_What about you?_ She asked softly, tears filling her eyes and Ben shrugged. _No, I won’t- I can’t- You have to promise me you’ll be ok._ He looked at her for a moment, brushing some tears off her cheek.

_Please, Rey, there isn’t much time,_ he said and Rey leaned into him.

_You promised._

Someone on Rey’s side said something and the link wavered a little.

_Tell them. Be ready for me,_ he said and she took a deep breath.

_You are so stupid,_ she said, kissed him and rushed off, the link closing slowly. He knew she would do what was needed, and he hoped she wouldn’t do something stupid when the time came. He hoped she would learn to forgive him. Someday.

One of the troopers watching him cocked his head a little, but said nothing as Ben came back to himself. Hux stood with his arms crossed, talking to the council. They all agreed it seemed _too easy_ but what choice did they have? The longer they waited, the more the Rebellion grew, and if it grew _too big,_ they would _never_ be able to contain it.

“I say we strike now,” one man said. “They have grown substantially in a very short amount of time.”

“I second the motion,” someone else said.

“But isn’t it odd that Kylo Ren would come back with their exact location after everything?” Asked a third. “He killed Supreme Leader Snoke afterall.”

“But they _are_ there, and who knows when we will get this opportunity again,” the second man argued. Others nodded in agreement.

“Even if they had a plan, what could they _really_ do with one ship to our ten?” A fourth asked. More people nodded in agreement. Hux remained silent, just stared at Ben as if trying to read his thoughts. Ben couldn’t help but smirk on the inside. Hux may have been one of Snoke’s chosen, but he was not chosen because of his link to the force.

On the outside, Ben remained passive, waiting for the First Order to strike.

“Let’s put it to a vote,” Hux finally said and Ben’s heart skipped a beat.

_You almost ready?_ Ben asked.

_Are you sure this will work?_ Rey asked.

_It has to,_ he said.

_We’re as ready as we’ll ever be,_ Rey said. _Just waiting on you._ Slowly closing the link again, Ben nodded and bit his lip. _Ben?_ He opened it again. _I- you- I’m so proud of you, and I just wanted-_

He shook his head, no, and she stopped talking.

_Tell me when you see me again,_ he said and looked up at Hux. The others were still voting.

“10-2, we go,” a woman said and the third man sighed.

“I just want to make sure it is clear, I think this is a very bad idea, with no positive outcome,” the third man said.

“Your complaint has been noted,” Hux said. “Prepare the ships.” There was a flurry of movement as people began to give orders, all of them rushing around. The ships’ nervous energy threatened to overwhelm him, but he pushed that aside and reached back out to Rey.

_Any moment now,_ he said, and she nodded, but remained silent.

“Everyone is ready,” an officer said, and Hux nodded.

“Let’s blast them to pieces!” Hux yelled. Everyone began talking at once, telling everyone to take off. Just as the first ships disappeared, Ben shouted, _Now!_

Moments later, the First Order arrived over the planet. And then they waited. The troops on the ground ran around, trying to find anyone, or anything.

“There’s no one here, sir,” a pilot said eventually. “Surface scans show no life forms.” Ben could hear the fear in the man's voice.

Hux glared at Ben.

“How?!”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Ben said, waiting. There needed to be a clear path to the computer. Just a few buttons and then-

“You’re lying,” Hux shouted, smacking Ben across the face. “Tell the truth!” Ben touched his lip and smirked a little at the blood he found.

“How could I have _anything_ to do with this? You watched me. You had your eyes on me the whole time,” Ben said. "There is no way I could get a message to the Rebels."

“It’s the same way they came and saved you,” Hux yelled. “But it’s no matter.” Ben glanced at the console. “We’ll find them, and when we do, we will destroy them. And you-” Finally there was an opening.

“Hold that thought,” Ben said as he froze Hux with the force. The people around them were too busy to notice their fearless leader frozen in the middle of them, let alone Ben running to one of the computers. He punched in the sequence to commence the self destruction of the ship, starting with the dropping of their shields.

_Now!_ He yelled at Rey. Almost immediately the whole ship shuddered and people screamed. He relaxed and Hux staggered a little.

“Supreme Leader, our shields are down!” An officer yelled as a siren began to sound.

“Warning, warning. The ship will self destruct in ten minutes. Warning, warning,” blared an alarm.

“Get them back up! And someone put in the sequence to stop the ship from self destructing!” Hux screamed, eyes blazing, hair flying as he rushed to Ben’s side. There was another shake, and there was more screaming.

“The Rebellion fleet,” another officer started. The ship shook and most of them stumbled.

“Ignore them and follow my orders! Get those shields back up!” Hux yelled grabbing Ben’s shirt.

“There isn’t time, Supreme Leader!” Someone else shouted. “They are already boarding.” Ben couldn’t help but smirk and didn’t even stop when Hux slammed his face into the console.

“You will never be better than me, Armitage Hux! Snoke was right when he called you a lonely cur, not worth much beyond your loyalty, which, when pressed, meant nothing. You will never _be_ anything! You are weak!” Hux slammed his face into the console again, but none of it mattered. The First Order was going down. Hux slammed Ben's head into the console one last time, and Ben's world went black.


	12. Chapter 12

When he came to, Rey was at his side, tugging off the cuffs. The loud alarm screamed in the background.

“Where is Hux?” Ben asked when he realized they were alone. Rey used the force to move a large piece of metal off of Ben’s legs and he winced.

“I don’t know,” Rey said trying to tug him to his feet. “Can you stand? We have to go.” Ben got up and winced again.

“How much time?” He asked.

“Not enough,” Rey said closing her eyes, pulling him close. Some of the pain subsided and he felt lighter. “Hurry!” They left the bridge as quickly as they could, Ben leaning heavily on Rey.

They went directly to the hangar and stopped to watch the fighting for a moment, both of them breathing hard. It was hard to tell who was winning, and Ben wasn’t even sure what was happening off ship, but he knew no matter what happened, this would be a huge blow for the First Order. Poe came running over to them.

“Thank fuck you’re both alive,” he said wrapping his arms around both their shoulders.

“Where is Hux?” Ben asked again, and Poe shook his head as he pulled back.

“I think he is holed up in the Throne Room, but I could be wrong,” Poe said.

“We have to go back,” Ben said, turning.

“You can’t possibly think you can fight, not with your leg,” Rey chided.

“You’re right,” he said. “But you two can.” Poe watched them for a moment.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Poe asked. “Let’s go. I’ll cover you.” They made their way up the hallway. It was chaos. People rushed around them as wires and consoles sparked and flew around them.

By the time they got to the Red Room, Ben was soaked with sweat, face green.

“Well, is he in there?” Poe asked. Ben took a deep breath and reached out.

“He is,” Ben said. “Are you ready, Rey?” She pulled out her staff and nodded. Ben turned to Poe. “You need to cover her.”

“You can’t be out here alone! What if someone comes?!” Rey growled. Ben opened his mouth to argue, but Poe grabbed him by the upper arm.

“Let’s go, pretty boy,” Poe said. Rey looked between the two men, took a deep breath, and turned towards the task at hand. The door was locked, but Rey opened it easily with the force, and they went in. Hux stood by the window, watching the chaos outside as stormtroopers descended on the small group. Poe set Ben gently by the door and jumped in to the fight. Hux turned slowly when he realized what was going on. He glared when he saw Ben.

“Won’t you _ever die?!_” Hux screamed and rushed him. Ben flinched as Hux pulled out his lightsaber. Rey was fighting four stormtroopers and Poe had three piled on top of him.

“No!” Ben yelled putting up another forcefield, but it was weak, his leg hurt too much; he couldn’t concentrate. He was _sure_ it was broken. Hux slowed but came forward, determined to end it, and there was nothing Ben could do to stop him. He closed his eyes and waited.

And waited.

When he finally opened his eyes, he saw Rey reaching out towards Hux as she fought the troopers.

She was force choking him. Ben trembled a little.

_Can you run?_ She asked.

“No, it’s ok though. Just-”

She glared at him and Hux gurgled, clutching at his throat.

“Don’t be stupid!” She yelled. Ben sighed and tried to pull himself up, but fell, screaming.

“I can’t,” he gasped.

“You are such a baby!” Finn yelled rushing in the open door. He cold-cocked Hux, who fell in a heap as Finn rushed to Rey’s side to help fight off the last troopers. Rose came in next followed quickly by the small BB unit and Chewie. Rose started to check on Ben but stopped when she saw Poe fighting still, and rushed to help him, leaving Chewie to check on Ben.

“I’m fine, go help them,” Ben said when Chewie bent to check on him. Chewied growled something, and Ben shook his head, no. “Go help them, I’m fine!” Chewie ignored him as he threw him over his shoulder. “Put me down!” Ben yelled as Chewie walked towards the door. “Watch the leg! Watch the leg!” Ben shrieked as they exited. The hall was somehow noisier than the Throne Room, but no one was paying any attention to them. Chewie set him down, and Ben pointed at the open door, and they watched Rey fight off the last trooper. To Ben’s horror, Hux slowly started to get up, shaking his head, and then glaring when he saw Rey. Ben opened his mouth to warn her, but Rey turned with a blaster.

“Never. Again. You will never hurt anyone I love, _ever_ again!” She screamed and shot the blaster. And shot the blaster. And shot the blaster. Finn, Rose, and Poe stared in horror.

_Rey,_ Ben said quietly. _Rey, it’s ok. It’s over. You can put the blaster down._ She shot it one more time and let the blaster fall to the floor.

“Do you think she got him?” Luke asked and Ben yelped, jumping.

“Gee-sus, where the _hell_ have you been?” Ben asked and Luke smirked.

“Miss me, kid?” Luke asked.

Ben rolled his eyes, smiling a little. He turned in time to watch as Rey started to sink to the floor, staring at Hux, and then getting up again when she saw Ben watching her.

“We need to go,” she said as the siren sounded again.

“Warning! Warning! The ship will self destruct in three minutes. Warning! Warning! Please make your way to the nearest escape pod! Warning! Warning!”

Ignoring his groans of pain, Rey pulled Ben up and looked around.

“Which way?” She asked.

“Go right,” Ben said, and all of them set off down the hall as quickly as they could.

“Warning! Warning! You have two minutes remaining! Please leave the ship now!” The computer warned as they got to the escape pod area. Many of the ships had gone, but there were plenty left. Rey paused to catch her breath.

“We need to go,” Rose said as she opened an empty escape pod.

“90 seconds remaining,” the computer voice announced.

“Let me help,” Finn said coming up alongside Rey and Ben. They looked at each other for a moment.

_It’s ok,_ Ben said and Rey let go of him, nodding. Finn pulled Ben up and they got in the escape pod with a few other remaining rebels.

“Warning! 60 seconds remaining! Warning! Warning!”

Everyone took a seat and strapped in as Poe slammed the button closing the pod and began the launch sequence. He sat and grinned at everyone around them.

“We did it!” Someone breathed.

“Yeah, we _fucking_ did it!” Poe yelled.

“Woo!” Yelled Finn and everyone began cheering. Ben reached over and took Rey’s hand, smiling at her a little.

“We did it,” he murmured. She squeezed his hand.

“We did it,” she whispered back. “We did it! Just hold on for a few more minutes.” He nodded, trying desperately to stay awake, but the pain was just too much. Despite himself, his head fell on his shoulder, and the last thing he saw was Rey’s concerned face.

***

Ben woke up slowly. At first he just felt heavy, heavier than he’d ever felt before. He could barely keep his eyes open, but after a few minutes he realized there was a familiar weight next to him. He nuzzled into Rey’s hair, sighing as he stroked her wrist lightly with his thumb.

“I’m here, Ben. I’m here,” Rey said and he tried to smile but fell back under.

When he woke up again, the room was quiet. Quiet and dark. He looked around and could just make out another bed where his mother lay. He wondered what ship he was on and where the others were.

Rey came back in a few minutes later, blinking sleepily. It took her a moment to realize he was awake.

“Ben!” She nearly shouted and rushed to him, pulling him close for a kiss which he returned as eagerly, wrapping his arms around her back, clinging to her a little. Several moments passed and they only stopped when a doctor came in and cleared his throat. They pulled away, wiping their mouths and blushing as they looked anywhere but at each other.

“Apologies,” the doctor said, but they both shook their heads.

“It’s fine,” Ben said. The doctor smiled.

“Ben, I’m Dr. Laval,” the man said and held out his hand. Rey got up and walked off towards Leia and the two men shook hands. “How are you feeling?” Ben shrugged.

“I’ve been worse,” he said, and Dr. Laval shook his head.

“Your leg is fractured in four places,” he said. Ben didn’t say anything. “How is your pain?”

“Scale of one to ten?” Ben asked. Dr. Laval nodded. Ben made a face and shrugged. “Three? Maybe two?” The doctor wrote something on his tablet.

“You must have an extremely high pain tolerance,” he said and Ben looked at Rey, biting his lip a little.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said.

“You’re lucky you didn’t mess yourself up more,” Dr. Laval said. “Your leg probably broke first when the metal fell on you, and then you running to safety… let’s just say you are very, very lucky. For now we just have to keep you immobilized, get plenty of rest, and drink lots of water.” He handed Ben a glass, which Ben drank in a few quick gulps. “Also, you should take these for the pain.” the doctor handed Ben some pills before refilling his cup.

“I don’t need these,” Ben said trying to hand the pills back.

“Non-negotiable,” the doctor said pushing Ben’s hand back. Ben sighed and took them, finishing off the water. The doctor took the cup, checked over a few more things, and then left.

As Rey curled up against him, he started to feel a little hazy. He pulled her close, eyes drooping.

“I love you so much,” he whispered before he lost consciousness again.

That night, when Ben dreamed about Snoke, all he saw was the last moments of Snoke’s life on repeat. The look of betrayal and pain, the light leaving his eyes. Ben just wished he’d been alive to see the end of the First Order, how in the end it didn’t even matter. One small scavenger, one traitorous stormtrooper, a rebel pilot, a mechanic, a fearless general princess, and a broken man child were enough to bring it all down.

He just hoped, that for once, the galaxy could be at peace.


	13. Chapter 13

Ben woke with a start. At first he couldn’t figure out what woke him. Rey lay next to him, her hair tangled in her face as she snored softly. Ben looked around the dark room and found his family watching him.

“You did it,” Luke said.

“How are you feeling?” Anakin asked. Ben rubbed his face.

“Tired. My leg hurts.” Anakin smiled softly.

“We are so proud of you,” Obi-Wan said.

“I didn’t- it wasn’t-” Ben started and looked down at Rey. “Without you guys, without Rey, I would never have had the courage. I would never have seen my mother again,” he said looking at Leia.

“Ultimately, you were the one who decided to make the change,” Anakin said. “You. Don’t sell yourself short, kid.”

“You did so good,” Obi-Wan agreed.

“Your mother’s going to be fine,” Luke said after a moment. They all fell silent as they listened to Leia breathe next to them.

“Why does this feel like goodbye?” Ben asked after several long minutes.

“Because it is time for you to rejoin the living,” Anakin said. “You don’t need anything from us any more.”

“But-” Ben started and stopped.

“We will always be nearby, we aren’t just going to abandon you,” Obi-Wan said.

“Not this time, kid,” Luke agreed.

“But I won’t see you,” Ben said in a small voice.

“No,” Anakin said.

“I thought you would be relieved knowing you wouldn’t wake up and see me again,” Luke teased. Ben smiled a little despite himself.

“Oh, Uncle Luke,” Ben whispered.

“Don’t fuck up again,” Luke said.

“Just do your best,” Obi-Wan agreed.

“Make me proud,” Anakin said.

Ben blinked and they were gone.

Taking a deep breath, Ben shoved his face into Rey’s hair, taking a deep shuddering breath, trying to relax. Rey squeezed his hand tight. He kissed behind her ear and let himself be pulled under again.

Several hours later, he woke up again when Rey tugged out of his arms.

“What? Where are you going?” He asked.

“To pee, and I’m getting hungry,” Rey said. “I’ll be right back.” She squeezed his hand and got up. Ben leaned back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling as he realized he was hungry too. Rey came back from the restroom a minute later. “I’m going to go get some food. You hungry?”

“Yes,” he said without looking at her.

“Ok,” she said, and left.

Ben listened to the soft beeps of the machine keeping his mother alive, wishing none of this had happened.

Rey came back in a few minutes with a tray of food and more pain meds. She set it on a rolling table and pushed it closer to Ben before getting up on the bed next to him.

They ate in awkward silence. When they were done, Rey made sure he took the pills before pushing the table away. She leaned back against the end of the bed, and looked up at Ben.

“We should talk,” she said, and Ben licked his lips, heart thudding heavily in his chest.

_Please don’t leave me,_ he thought to himself and Rey’s face went from neutral to horrified. His thoughts had leaked and he knew it would be difficult to ever keep another secret from her again.

“Oh, Ben, no!” Rey murmured scooting up the bed and taking his hand. “I could never-”

“Oh, thank God,” Ben whispered, letting out his breath. “I love you so much, I don’t know what I would do without you.” He cupped her face in his hands and she held his wrists lightly. He pulled her close and kissed her, loving how she leaned into it, kissing him back.

“Oh, you stupid, stupid man,” she whispered kissing the palm of his hand. He was surprised to see tears in her eyes. “After everything, you’re stuck with me. I love you, Ben Solo,” she said, and leaned up to kiss him again.

“I love you, too,” he whispered.

Ben tried to shift, to pull her closer, but his leg wouldn’t allow it. She twisted around and curled up next to him, putting her head on his chest and they just sat there for a while, listening to Leia’s life support, enjoying their closeness.

A few hours later, they heard Leia groan loudly. She tried to push the med pod off of her, but when she couldn’t she turned and looked at them.

“Well don’t just _sit there_! Get up and go find a doctor!” Leia yelled. Rey got up and rushed out of the room leaving Leia and Ben aone. “What the _hell_ happened to you?”

“I tore it all down,” he said softly.

“Good boy,” Leia said as Rey came back with doctors and some folks who had obviously heard the good news and needed to see their fearless leader with their own eyes. They wanted confirmation that everything would be alright. Dr. Laval opened the pod, and Leia sat up despite his protests.

“Oh, I’m fine,” Leia said and walked over to her son as Dr. Laval tried to get her to stop, insisting she shouldn’t get up so soon. She ignored him, went over to her son, and brushed some hair out of his face, and kissed his forehead. “Welcome home,” she whispered and Ben leaned into her, tears filling his eyes.

“Mom,” he whispered and Leia held him close. Rey and Dr. Laval ushered the group out before leaving themselves. “I’m so sorry, mom. For everything.”

“I know, I know,” Leia whispered, kissing the top of his head. “I’m sorry, too. I should have fought harder, made him stay. I should have paid more attention to you. We loved you so much, and we should have reached out more.” Ben pulled her closer, tears flowing freely. He sniffled a little. “I love you, Ben. I have always loved you.”

“I love you, too, mom,” he managed thickly. A few minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door, and Rey popped her head in.

“Is it ok if we come back in? Dr. Laval wants to look you over, Leia.” Leia and Ben both took deep breaths, rubbed their faces and pulled apart.

“Yes, it’s fine,” Leia said after a moment. They came in and Leia moved back to her bed. Dr. Laval looked her over.

“You’re doing remarkably well, considering, but I would like to keep you here a few days for observation, general,” he said and Leia tried to wave him off.

“You should listen to him, Leia,” Rey said. “After everything we’ve all been through, we need a break. And you never stop. But it’s ok, it’s ok to rest.”

“You’ve done enough,” Ben agreed. “We’re ok.”

“The galaxy can never repay you for the sacrifices you’ve made,” Dr. Laval said. “Let us take care of you for once, general.” Leia laid back on her pillow.

“I’ve spent my whole life fighting, never really feeling safe except for a few brief moments,” she said. “I know it won’t last, but maybe you’re right, for now. Maybe it will be ok.”

“If you’ll just follow me, we’ll get you in a private room,” Dr. Laval said and Leia laughed.

“Sit down or get up, which is it you want me to do?” She asked and a nurse brought in a wheelchair. Leia rolled her eyes. “You can’t be serious. I’m not an invalid.”

“Don’t think of it like that,” Dr. Laval said. “Think of it more as we are pampering our princess.” Leia rolled her eyes, but got into the chair without further comment. Once they were gone, Rey curled up on the bed next to Ben. And while Rey fell asleep quickly, Ben lay awake for a long time just thinking about everything that had happened in the past several days. It felt unreal that Rey was laying here with him, that Snoke was gone, that Hux was gone, that the First Order had been disbanded, that his mother was ok.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting himself relax a little as he closed his eyes and fell back asleep.

***

After several weeks, Ben was back on his feet. Granted he still had to walk around with a brace and crutches, but at least he could get up and go to the bathroom alone. Rey rarely left his side in that time. They were so wrapped up in Ben’s healing that they were both surprised when someone announced they were landing on some-planet-neither-of-them-had-heard-of within the next twenty minutes. Ben looked at Rey, who shrugged as she washed her hands and face. Ben bit his lip.

No one had really talked to him about what would happen next, all of them seeming to be more interested in Ben healing than any sort of possible punishment. Now that they were landing, and he was on the mend, he knew the subject was bound to come up. Rey kissed his temple, and sat down next to him, waiting for the descent.

“I’m sure it will be fine,” Rey whispered, and Ben nodded, grimacing a little. He took Rey’s hand and held tightly. They were some of the last people to disembark, and Ben flinched when he saw some guards coming at him.

“Ben,” the woman said. “Please, come with me.” Ben looked down at Rey before putting his hands out. The woman looked at him confused. “What are you doing?”

“Aren’t you going to cuff me?” Ben asked.

“No, we’re not,” the woman said softly. “Come along.” The woman walked away, leaving Ben to follow behind her. Ben looked down at Rey who shrugged and squeezed his hand.

“Let’s go see what they want,” she said and they took off after the woman, slowly but surely. Ben had a lot of practice on the crutches, but it was still slow going. By the time they got to the Mess Hall, Ben was sweating, and not just from the exertion. “Everything’s going to be alright,” Rey reassured him. “I’m right here.” Ben nodded and they went in.

The council sat in a long line, his mother there amongst them.

“Please, have a seat,” one of them said, and Ben went to the lone chair in front of them. Rey stayed by his side even after helping him get settled. Someone on the council looked at one of the guards, who brought over a chair. Rey sat next to Ben and took his hand.

Someone on the council cleared their throat, but said nothing as Leia stood up.

“Ben, a few months ago you were brought forth to this council to attest to your crimes. At that time, the council was more than ready to send you off into exile, but after you saving everyone in the Rebellion by putting up a force field around us more than once, that stupid plan-” Ben opened his mouth but Rey just squeezed his hand and he shut it. “-you had to bring down the First Order has made us reconsider. While you have done some amazing things, you have also done some horrendous things, things that can never be forgiven.” Ben licked his lips, looked down at his hands. There were so many who had lost their loved ones, so many were in mourning because of him, because of his actions. His heart began to beat faster, and there was a high pitched ringing in his ears. “We have decided that no good would come of exiling you. There are some who would like to see you punished, but in light of everything, it has been decided that you will be put on probation for the foreseeable future. You will remain in contact with the council. We must know at all times where you are living, what you are doing with your time. You must check in every six months. Any missed check ins will result in some serious consequences,” she said. “For now, you’re free to go. Darex will show you and Rey where your quarters are.” 

“May I say something before I go?” Ben asked, and Leia nodded. “I just wanted to tell the council I know I don’t deserve your mercy. I deserve a much harsher sentence, expected a much harsher sentence. All the good doesn’t begin to outweigh the bad, but if there is anything I can ever do to help, I’m forever in your debt.”

One of the council members snorted. “You are one hundred percent correct, young man. Not all of us wanted to be so _lenient_, but we recognize we would not be here to discuss this without your help. The council thanks you, but know you will be under surveillance for a long, _long_ time.” Ben nodded.

“I understand, sir,” he said. “Thank you, sir.”

“You may go,” Leia said. Rey helped Ben up and they followed the woman, Darex, who had led them in, to a nearby building.

“Dinner isn’t for a few hours, but there is a lot of fruits, cheeses, and breads I can bring you if you would like,” Darex said. Ben looked at Rey. He couldn’t breathe, much less speak.

“Sure, Darex, that would be wonderful,” Rey said. As soon as she left, Ben collapsed in a heap on the bed and Rey rushed to his side as he began to sob.

“They’re going to let me stay.” Rey pulled him close and he wrapped his arms around her waist, putting his head in her lap.

“Yes, Ben, they are,” she whispered, brushing his hair back. “You get to come home.” By the time Darex came back, Ben had calmed down quite a bit, and was curled up on his side of their very large bed, completely drained.

“Thank you so much,” Rey told Darex taking the tray. “Will you come back for us when dinner is ready?”

“Of course,” she said. “If you need me, I’m in the room just across the hall.” Rey thanked her again and took the tray over to Ben.

“Are you hungry?” She asked setting the tray on the edge of the bed. Ben looked over his shoulder at her and shrugged.

“I guess,” he said and sat up. Rey took some of the bread and leaned against the end of the bed. They ate in silence, both too emotionally exhausted to talk.

***

After lunch, Ben napped on and off while Rey read her books. He half wondered why she didn’t go celebrate with the others, but didn’t press it; he was too tired. Darex came back for them and took them to the mess hall where everyone stared, making Ben’s skin crawl. He just wished he knew what they were thinking, and then Rey touched his hand. He looked at her and she smiled at him. They got their food, found their group, and sat down. Poe was telling them all about how he fought off a bunch of troopers while everyone only half listened. Rose leaned against his shoulder, half asleep. She’d obviously heard this story before. Finn sat on the other side talking animatedly about how he’d finally killed Captain Phasma, and her reign of terror was finally over. Ben and Rey left quicker than Rey probably wanted, but she could tell he didn’t like all the eyes on him. They went back to their room, turned the lights down low, and lay in the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Ben?” Rey whispered a few minutes later.

“Hmm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Ben found her hand between them and they scooted closer together, and she stroked his hair before leaning in and kissing him gently. He kissed her back, tracing his fingers just barely across her neck. They didn’t do much more than kiss that night, neither of them wanting to push Ben’s body too far. They both knew there would be time for more later. They had the rest of their lives.

“I love you,” Rey whispered much later, and Ben nodded. Finally, both of them were very tired, and they were starting to drop off.

“Love you,” he murmured and squeezed her close as he fell asleep.

***

Ben fell asleep all at once. He dreamt he was back in the Throne Room bowing to Snoke. His heart pounded heavily in his chest. He could hear someone screaming behind him, and he hoped it was Hux.

_He’s dead,_ a small voice whispered in the back of his head. _He’s dead because Rey killed him to save you._

“The mighty Kylo Ren, no more than a little boy playing soldier. Everything you’ve ever worked towards is in ash and ruin,” Snoke said.

Ben saw Finn come running into help, but stopped halfway between Ben and the door.

“He has no power here,” Snoke said. Ben opened his mouth to respond but someone spoke before he could say anything.

“No, Snoke, you have no power here,” Han Solo called from somewhere behind Ben. Ben’s heart tripped in his chest, and then Han put a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

When he looked up, Ben and Han were back on the bridge, the lightsaber on the walkway in front of them.

“Dad?” Ben said in a very small voice. Han squeezed his shoulder.

“I’m here, son,” Han whispered. Closing his eyes, Ben turned and wrapped his arms around his father’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” Ben whispered thickly as tears poured down his eyes.

“I know, Ben, I know,” Han whispered. “It’s ok. You’re ok. I’ve got you.” And then he picked up Ben like he had when he was a very small boy. Ben started to argue, but when he looked down at himself he _was_ a very small boy. He wrapped his arms around his dad’s neck and held on tight, sobs wracking his whole body.

When he opened his eyes again, they were back on the Falcon in the cockpit, all of space in front of them. Ben leaned back against his dad, and sleepily watched him work, enjoying the closeness he’d been missing for years.

When Ben woke up, he looked down at Rey curled at his side. She mumbled something in her sleep and clutched tightly at his shirt. Ben shushed her, stroking her arm, and she relaxed a little. Ben turned his attention to the window and looked out at the stars, and he couldn’t help but think about just how much had changed in the past six months, how absolutely lucky he’d gotten, and how little he deserved it.

He didn’t _really_ know what the future would bring, but he knew that whatever happened, Rey was going to be there. He wasn’t going to have to fight alone to keep the darkness at bay. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, pulled Rey a little closer, and fell back to sleep finding it a little easier to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this right after watching _The Last Jedi_ for the 4th time in theaters. Writing this has been quite the process, and a lot has happened. I've honestly been nervous to post this for a lot of different reasons, so if you read it, and you liked it, thank you. I know Reylo isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it sure is mine. I loved Ben in _The Force Awakens_ so I started following some Reylo blogs on tumblr (rip) even though I didn't super ship it. And then the fight in the Red Room scene happened. And I went from casual to _this is a thing_.
> 
> I know there is a lot of back and forth on Rey's identity, but I am strong team not-a-Skywalker. It would be too easy with the new title. And while I'm so excited for the new film, I'm nervous, too. Istg if they make Rey a Skywalker...
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed.
> 
> P.S. Disabling anons because I love myself. All hate will be deleted.


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